Shake Your Head, It's Empty

I've never made any decision based on what would make me happy. Never because it's just what I want to do.

Everything I've done in my life has been for some other purpose. It's been to survive. Or as a necessity to achieve something else. Or to prevent something else. But never the thing for itself. And certainly never just because I wanted to.

Perhaps this is why I make decisions that ultimately leave me unhappy. Because happiness was never the goal, and I maybe just thought it would have by accident along the way. And perhaps this is why I've never really been happy.

And why I am so totally defective at making decisions. Because it's always like this. It's always some long, prolonged wavering. I chose one thing, decide that's wrong, change my mind and try the other. Back and forth, back and forth. Always doubting, never sure. Eye over my shoulder at what was left behind, wondering if maybe that was the better option.

And I'm sick of it. I'm tired of indecision. Of confusion. Of just holding everyone else hostage until I stop somewhere.

There is one very large exception to all of this. And that exception was the decision to go to SFU. But even then, it was what I wanted before I even knew anything about the school or the programs. Maybe it was what I wanted because it was far away from what I didn't want. I dunno. I dunno.