If you could

Someone asked me recently if I could have anything, what would it be?

And I gave a glib answer. Something flippant, though not untrue, because it was easier than digging around and searching for something deeper.

So I've given it some more thought, as I probably should have done the first time around.

I've decided that I want two things. And no, Grant Lawrence's death is not one of them, but was considered. Similarly, world peace and the end of child poverty were contemplated but discarded.

If I could have anything I would have a life that I find meaning in and a place to belong.

I've written before about the first of these issues. So briefly, I am seemingly incapable of just floating through life wanting a good job or a nice car or a house in the burbs. I find most of the goals and rewards of modern Western society hollow and boring. I would rather sit with a good cup of tea and talk to someone interesting for 10 hours than go to some club or ride in a fast car or shopping or just about anything, really. Maybe I'm simple. Maybe I'm a throwback. Maybe I belong somewhere else. I dunno. Which isn't to say that I don't appreciate a good pair of jeans or the ability to get from A to B, or whatever, it's just that I still have the same clothes from 1994. I have a shitty car that does the job and is easily recognizable. And I don't care about those things. I don't care about being popular or fancy vacations or prestige or power.

But here's the rub, as they say: there is a disconnect between what I believe in and care about, and my life as I know it. And as much as I tell myself that I'm in the process of getting to where I want to be and I need to be patient, it still feels like selling out. It still feels like a betrayal of myself. There are days and periods of time when I'm able to distract myself and am busy and don't notice and am able to ignore the fundamental truth of this betrayal. But it always comes back, roaring like a thunder. No matter the creature comforts or the ease, I will never be able to ignore for any period of time the fact that I am, in pretty much every facet of my life, unfulfilled and dissatisfied. Which isn't the same thing as being miserable. But it isn't the same thing as being content either.

And maybe that mystical Shangri-la existence I dream of does not exist and will never exist. Or maybe I will never find the courage to actually strive for or reach that goal. I hope I do.

The second issue relates to and is probably in fact a subset of the first. If the first issue, a life with meaning, is the umbrella category wish then what falls under that? Well, I would say to have an occupation where I feel that I am doing some good, to live a life where I generally feel I am an agent of change and benefit in the world, to be creative and expressionistic, and to belong somewhere and with a people. Which leads us to the second category.

To be frank, I have generally never fit in anywhere. There were periods of time and place, the Beaches for a couple of years in the 80's, SFU 99 - 2001, Vancouver summers of 2002 and 2004, where I felt that I was part of a community. Probably this goes back to a sense of safety and the concept of family. My friends have always been my family and I've long dreamed of some kind communal existence full of art and activism. But I've never come close to acheiving these goals. I fundamentally believe that we are all born alone and die alone, except maybe twins and stuff. But I would also like to be a part of something, something that I can rely on and that can rely on me. And I'm not.

Part of that, of course, is a sense of partnership. And while I question the veracity of monogomy, one still has to aim for that. So I try to believe that that is truly possible because obviously it's desirable. Anyway, that's a discussion for another day. The point is that my fantasy idea of belonging incorporates, I suppose, smaller communities within a larger community. Partnership with another human being being one such community. Close, reliable friends being another. And I guess the sense that though each individual therein is unique, there are also overlapping ideas and an underlying acceptance of each other and value in the community itself.

I guess the reason that I chose those two items is because they are, to my mind, the most difficult to acheive. Somehow finding mystical people somewhere who can collectively create a community full of intellectual discussion, creative expression, political participation, fun-filled adventures, and a real sense of acceptance and understanding, strikes me as extremely difficult. And not something that I can just do.

It's also a hard thing to be willing to totally change your life for something unknown and perhaps unacheivable. Giving up what you have for what you might obtain is rather terrifying. Especially if you're me and have become allergic to risk. I wouldn't be a good contestant on a game show.

So it's a dream I guess. But it's a dream I hope to make real one day, or else continue disatisfied and unhappy. That's a depressing thought. I feel stuck, like feet in concrete, but always dreaming with my head in the clouds.