By Now

You'd think I'd have learned by now
It's the definition of insanity
To keep doing the same thing
And thinking this time I'm gonna win

It's the same pattern
In the same board
And I always think
I'm just looking for the right piece
But when you
Make your life a game
You gotta know
It's only yourself to beat

And there's no winning
There's no victory speech
Just the same tired ending
The same empty beach

What is it about this?
What am I trying to undo?
What falsehood do I want to believe?
So much I keep trying to make it true?

Riot

Riot

I was in the main crowd on Georgia Street at Hamilton Street with a friend of mine. Because we knew there was a possibility of riot, we made an escape plan early on. The crowd was happy for the first 2 periods. During the third period, everyone just seemed deflated. After the 4th goal, they started to get restless. We discussed whether we should leave then or wait it out. We decided to stay.

Then, with 3 minutes left in the game, a few obnoxious individuals started screaming and throwing things at the big projector screens that were showing the game. Then, about 10 feet from us some morons started shaking a car (why someone left their car there, I will never understand), and then within a few seconds a group flipped over the car. At that point, we decided it was unwise to hang about.

So we started to execute the escape plan. We only had to go around the corner to be okay. We watched the last 2 minutes of the game from there. Then a group of about 4 teenage boys started to approach the main area chanting "Let's go riot, let's go!", which we took to be a very bad sign. We waited about 30 seconds and saw that things were worsening instead of improving. We then continued to leave.

Fortunately, we didn't have to go far. Only a block north of Georgia everyone was calm but sad. Thousands of people walked the streets heading west. Some hugging and consoling each other, some angry, some saying "next year". The occasional post box was punched. The police were watching. Everything was fine.

We got to Granville Street and it was the same situation, everyone dispersing, some people milling about. We headed back south toward Georgia. At Granville and Georgia it was the same. People were going down to the sky train station, people were hanging around. But then a few more people started to push over newspaper boxes, start yelling, etc. Then there was a terrible noise from behind us down Georgia St. We turned and looked and could see a giant plume of smoke going up in front of where we had been only minutes before, watching the game. Suddenly, the police radios started going off and they went running east toward the smoke through all of the people heading the other way, trying to get away from it. Then we saw the flames.

We waited for a minute or two and then continued West, away from the epicenter of things going bad. There were hundreds and thousands of people walking the streets, some heading toward the madness, some heading away from it.

We ended up at a restaurant on Robson street, above the street. About an hour after we got there, police cars started whizzing past going somewhere. Then the helicopters started circling and we started to get calls and messages asking if we were okay. Later that night, we walked back to my place and there were still many people in the streets, but there was this horrible sense of doom in the air, like "what have we done?!"

Tania decided to walk back across Granville bridge, as it had been closed. I heard sirens out my window for several hours.

It is deeply disheartening that this had to happen. Vancouver was just starting to get out from under it's reputation as a "no fun city" through outdoor concerts, movies, events, etc. And the public screenings of the games were a wonderful example of that. There has been a beautiful sense of community and camaraderie in the city these past weeks, with strangers high-fiving each other and hugs and dancing. But now that is all ruined. It will be a long long time before there is any trust again. The broader implications of these events on this city and this community are horrible and will be far reaching. It makes me so sad.

From what I saw, and having been in the centre of when it started, I do not think I am wrong, it was a few groups of irate teenage boys who simply wanted an excuse to act out that caused this to happen. And of course, the crowd mentality swept it up. It's so pathetic. A better outlet is clearly needed.

It's a sad day.

One of the things that surprised me most was who checked in to see if I was okay, and who didn't. Who worries when the shit hits the fan is often not who you think it will be.

The Results of All Our Days

I've done some bad things.
I've done things that I don't know how to forgive myself for.
Or how to forgive others for.
I fell down rabbit holes and I ask myself "How did I let that happen?"
But I don't have an answer. I lived it, but I don't know how. What's that Matt Good line?

"Looking back it seems so simple, but how we done it, I couldn't say."

I'm such a harsh judge. Such a cruel critic. Of both myself and others.
I met a man last weekend and he 'suggested' I 'work on compassion'.
Yeah, well...

Some roads are easy to travel.
Forgiveness is worn over and abandoned.
But the grass is cut and fences shinny along the road to judgment that lives in my mind.
Those neural pathways are well worn.

It's funny that my greatest sins were both perpetrated against and with the same individual.
I'm like one of those guys who was beaten as a child and then turns around and beats their child black and blue. How one can be both perpetrator and victim in the same breath.
How we ended up so entangled, I will never understand.

I think, there are some people with whom it's just magic. You always click. You always have something to say, you laugh, you understand, you see them for who they truly are, flawed, lovely, well-intentioned fuck ups. Almost like you see through the mask at the treasure underneath. There are a few people in my life of whom I can clearly say I have an undefinable and unspoken kinship with and love of.

But I also think it's circumstances. There are certain dynamics which create invisible and unarticulated ties that can bond people in ways that are hard to make sense of. Those circumstances can build a trust and a respect and a connection that is extremely difficult to explain. Not in a gooey way, but in a way that comes from being your most vulnerable with other people and having them not run away.

I'm gonna go out on a limb of trash here and quote from one of the "Twilight" movies:

"When I left, I left you bleeding. And he stitched you up. And it left it's mark on both of you."

And it has. And it does. That quote doesn't account for the impact when that experience is not a solo act. In my particular case, one particular person was there for me like no other during 2 of the most traumatizing and painful times of my life. Circumstances beyond the pale of common experience. And in those dark and terrible times, I was indeed held together, and am grateful to have been held together. But that dynamic complicates our bond. It has become woven into it and can no longer be untangled. Which adds to and confuses our relationship in a world of myriad complex relationships and limited trust.

There's this place I go to from time to time and I'm quite convinced that the appeal of it for so many is the phenomenon of bonding. The programs there push you to know and see yourself in horrible technicolour ways, to dig out the truths burried within you that our society and our pride works so hard to keep locked away. But there you are, forced to face your shit.

And then the motherfuckers ask that you share it with others. It's terrifying. But what happens, almost without exception, is that people understand. People relate to the ugliest parts of you. People embrace you and care for you and want you around all the same. They don't freak out or judge you. They show you nothing but love and compassion. And so you get this glow after a couple of days from this sense of peace and freedom, because you can just be your whole self and not hide for a change. But then you have to return to the real, cold world. And suddenly all you want to do is go back. And thus the cycle of handing over large chunks of your money as often as you can begins.

What I find really strange about that is that those relationships, those intense bonds, are generally fleeting. They go, they do a workshop, they cry and yell and support each other, perhaps exchange an email or two and then disperse.

But not me. I bond for life. I friend for life. I love for life. I don't know how to do differently. Which makes gathering people and gathering guilt very easy. It makes letting go and compassion very hard.

Power and Grace

Grace says
She admires Power
Little farm-bred girl
Who knows how to survive

But Grace she don't see
How her little feet
Shuffled from one
Shinning coast
To another
From city to city
She sparkled
And when fallen
Always landed upright

Power
Well she ran
With the force
Of a wild cat
Across this great land
And she turned
Innocence
Inside out
Sold the ocean
And her kin
For a piece
Of normalcy

And she always dreamed
Eyes gleaming full of green
Wishing she was
Grace's free

Hard choices
Of every coin I see
On both sides
I gotta believe

This is where
I come from
Their endurance
Woven in
My DNA
A testament
To getting through
Anything

And they wonder
Where I get it from
This ability
To brush it off and go on
All I can do
Is shrug and say
My heritage
Is just this way

I am the better parts
Of both of you
Made my mistakes
Pay for them too
But always learning
More aware
Than those before
Ever dared

Frustrated

I'm frustrated.

It would seem that I have surrounded myself with individuals who all seem to be intent on having a great deal more fun that I am interested in having. Or am capable in having. Or think is realistic to have. But apparently this makes me un-fun, boring, a downer, etc because I do not prioritize HAVING FUN!!! ALL THE TIME!!!!

It's true. I don't.

So why am I so horribly boring?

Maybe that's because when I was 6 it occurred to me that I could skip school and play in the snow until I was bored, and basically just chillax and do what I wanted. Until the shit hit the fan and the whole Amber-Alert drama started. That was my first lesson in the reality that our society is built on adherence to rules and confirming to rules, even though there may be no articulable reason for it.

Maybe because I then came under the rule of a harsh dictator who taught me to work first and if you are lucky, play later. But mostly, work first.

Maybe it's because by the time I was 8 my life was so difficult and painful that I cherished my free time as my sole opportunities to reflect and work through my emotional turmoil through art, rather than play silly games that ended with band-aids and polysporin.

Fun is not something that has come naturally to me in a very very long time. And one thing I have to give husband credit for is dragging my ass out to explore different things and through those experiences I actually discovered many things that I found fun. Or at least, interesting.

One of the great liberties discovered by virtue of my separation from husband is that there are a lot of things that I genuinely find joy in. Things I was previously discouraged from doing and things I only discovered by virtue of that relationship, both.

One thing I discovered is that, to my great shock, I do not love watching tv. I do however, thoroughly enjoy experiencing television as a cultural art form that breeds analysis and conversation and research. Which means, I would rather spend 1 hour watching a show (anything from "Fringe" to "Big Brother" to "Rebus" to "Being Erica") and spend 2 hours digesting, interpreting, considering, discussing, looking up shit online and sharing that. It's the communal, emotional, intellectual exercise born from ideas in a show that I love most, not hours on end in a zombie state momentarily amused by a box with flickering lights. Unfortunately, I seem to be weird in this regard.

It would seem that a lot of people in my life, past and present, really like to come home from work, eat, and then sit on the couch for the next 5 - 7 hours until they fall asleep. Oh my god! This problem particularly plagues my current housemate as it did husband during the last 2 years or so of our relationship. It seems to plague a lot of people. When did we become a society dictated by television?!?! No wonder we are all fat!!

My theory is that inactivity breeds inactivity. Because in many ways, I was the same. One of the weird things that happened during these last few years was a profound change in me. I used to be the last person who was interested in going for a walk, or to a farm, or for a drive, or to check out some thing going on in town, or to come up with trip ideas. My life experience had not made those things seem desirable or possible. I walked because I had to. I drove to get somewhere. Farms were dirty and foreign. I had no idea what there even was to do and was often too lazy to find out or check things out if I knew. I was too poor to go on vacation. I was either working incredibly hard or just wanted to do nothing. I also had less than any desire to do anything in the way of housework or decorating. I had no ideas or energy in that regard either.

But then husband got sick. And suddenly all responsibility for both of our lives was on me. I had to find the energy (often by way of donuts and coffee, admittedly) to get everything done. At first, learning to cook, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, buying groceries - these were things I did for him. These were obligations, necessities, and done for the external approval of husband. But then something happened. Somewhere along the line I became houseproud. I began to care about the state of where I lived, having folded laundry, making yummy dinners. I started to look forward to opportunities to go outside and do things that didn't involve the couch. I became really fucking sick of tv.

That change was not recognized as a genuine change in me by husband. And ironically in the months that followed our separation, we reversed roles: my house was clean and organized, his was a mess, I was out all the time doing fun things, he was working or watching tv, I was planning exotic trips and he was visiting family. These are broad strokes and of course there are exceptions, but still.

The difficulty is that I now want a tidy house, folded laundry, a nice dinner, garbage taken out, to talk about ideas and life, etc. I also want to go out and explore my town and my province. I want to live somewhere I'm not ashamed of and experience my days instead of having them wash by in a haze like too many years of my life. The difficulty is: that only seems to happen if I alone do everything. And that embitters those around me. The rationale is the same whether it's the dishes or a walk along the beach: "I can't be bothered."

And the problems come because I don't want to do everything alone. And maybe that's unfair to ask. Because the response I always seem to get, whether it was from husband or sister who I currently live with, or friends. My interpretation is that there's a lot of laziness. There's a lot of this expectation that we should be effortlessly amused and have fun and everything should be easy and handed to us.

The reality is that I'm frustrated because I am not accepting people as they are. I want them to change as I have changed. I want them to work and adventure and then be lazy. In that order. But that is apparently not what people want to do.

So I'm bored. And overworked. And frustrated.

The Dawn Treader

To what are we bequeathed?
This sun
This moon
The dawn treads
Indeed toward us
And this fragile grasp
Bends to hold

The force of my ability
To hold fast
And maintain
Iron clenched fist
For that base thing
Upon which all wars are birthed

And I know not
How to reconcile
These warring factions within me
To let go
To hold tight
To bear out the brutality
Of my insurmountable disappointment

To whom have I been betrothed?
But a series of names
A series of faces half forgotten
Who know me not anymore
And who care not to know

But the movie reel plays on
Those grainy images
Eternal moments
Of joy and loss
From my various past lives
Haunt and torment me

What wretched life
Has been bequeathed to me?
But this sun
And this moon?
As the clocks tick
And the dawn treads
Toward a day
I wish to hide from

More than just alive

How did you used to tie up your converse?
Rabbit ear or loopedy-loop?
How did you lace your doc martins?
Around the top or straight up?

Now we dress ourselves
In grown up suits
With plastic smiles to match
And is it a sell out
Or did we just forget
The kids we used to be?

She says I'm a anti-emotion now
A hollow tin drum
Who beats in time
To the song of dedication

My cause no government
Or special interest
No charity save my own
Basic survival

I didn't get the memo
That I can get by
Yeah, I can do more
Than just stay alive

There was a time
When the gravity
Of my emotions was
An overwhelming tidal wave

To not only myself
But those around me
Who cowered and dreaded
Those mood swings

The weight of the fist
Not more than my own
Personal choice of
Self-suffocation

Who'd have thought
I could keep it all in
It's the price I paid
For living so long afraid

That now I can't remember
That I can get by
Yeah, I can do more
Than just stay alive