Obvious

I know what I should do
It's obvious
And has been
For almost as long
As I've known you.

I should let you go
I should unshackle these chains
And let you run free
In the opposite direction
From me
As fast as your feet
Can carry you

I should say goodbye
And grant you
Your liberty
So you can run wild
In a sea
Of weightless travel
And emancipation
Where you could float
Or learn to swim
Instead of always sinking, sinking

The most compassionate
The most caring
The most loving
Thing that I can do
Is let go of you

Problem being
I don't even own
My own key
Because the lock
That keeps
You shackled to me
Is one which
I am seemingly
Incapable
Of liberating
Either of us from.

I've tried.
If there was an omniscient god
He or she would know
That I have truly given my all
To give you away
To save you
From the sinking ship
That is and always will be
My fickle heart

Because that
Is the most loving thing
That I can think of
To do for you

But I can't.
Something about that equation
Makes 2 + 2 = 45
It doesn't add up
It doesn't work
The world keeps spinning
But out of line
Like gravity gone sideways
People adapt
But every day
All I can think
Is that you're missing
That, as Morpheus would say,
Something is wrong.

So we roll up
To this disaster show
One more time
To see if we can fix it
We all climb in
To the clown car
To see if we can make
These broken pieces
Fit together
In a way
That doesn't tear us apart

And I'm nervous
Because everytime
It changes
And everytime
It's the same
And I want it
To be the same
In the ways that it is different
And different
In how it is common

As you would say,
Sometimes life is funny like that

For further reference:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbxqtbqyoRk&ob=av2e

Backup some bad poems

Since I now live in fear of computers melting down, I have decided to trust that which should be trusted by no one: the internet.

Here are some starts of poems from my notes from my phone over the last year, except the last one which is quite old:

World at war

We're in
A world at war
Your life's
A battlefield
That's where
We are

Watching
The bombs drop
Your heart
In a bag
At the side
of the road
To be disposed,
Of

In a world at war
We are all casualties
In this battle
Of minds and hearts

Where you dream
Of purple clouds
And fields of green
But nothing's ever really
What it seems

Torment

There's a pocket
Of gray
Shadowland
In the corner

I pull the blinds
To shut out the world
And make it go away

I wrap myself
In this sheet
Close my eyes
And fail to sleep

A mind full up
Of things to say
Of truths untold
That float and play
Tormenting me
Tormenting me

Seasons - (a mess of incomplete ideas)

I always waited for spring to come
Break the ice and start pumping blood again

Summer was always frantic and slow
Elongated by the days that never ended
And stained by memories of being homeless and despondent

I always dreaded those fall strung days
Flooded by horrors

Mitten covered
First frost
Now the snow makes me
Think of you

Passenger

I'm a passenger
In your car
In the backseat
Reflection warped
In the shop window

But I don't mind
No, I don't mind at all
The mindless vulnerability
Of being driven along

Girly

U know sometimes u make me girly
Sometimes you make me weak in the knees
And I'm begging to make it stop
I'm asking please
Make the waves done crashing
Make these butterflies caught
But the lightening's still flashing
And I'm a lost cause


Coda

It started out with loving you a lot
How can that be bad?
How can that be wrong?
But now I can't even ask you to turn the lamp on

Because I'm afraid
Of what you'll do
And what you'll say
And it's not your fault
You didn't make me this way,
Irrational

They say it's something from the past
A fear of abandonment
Has sent me to the brink
Of what I can take
Ill take anything from someone
They say
So long as
The someone stays
And I think
That it might be true
Because I've taken a lot
Of dumb shit from you
But seven years under the belt
And I only see
every dinner conversation
as negotiating between
who I am and the person you want me to be
So I suffocate in an effort to make you stay with me

And its funny now cause I don't care,
Reckless

Remember

Well my heart is frail
And my mind is faulty
But Ill remember u perfectly
Sat in my new red shirt
Your audience
I knew every word

Nuthin But

When war is on the headlands
Tell me what do you hear
Nothin but the rain, sir
Nothin but the rain

The devil he done call me
I can hear his name
But ther's no better
Way of dying
Nothin but the rain

blood
Against the ropes w time,
never being enough
to fit the myriad expectations and desires.

These hours blur together
in an endless collage of questions without answers,
bruised hearts, and disappointment.

The blood spatter patterns
of too many battles that no one ever won
decorate the walls where we still live.
Imprisoned together.
Trapped by an inability
to overcome
and obligations to people
we used to be.

And there isn't enough room
to share this space
w those ghosts of dreams lost now.

I can't even
string together a sentence
to explain how I feel,
forget a theory to make sense
of this space and time.

Time here passes
in the blink of an eye
but nothing ever changes.
The clock stuck
at the same nightmare moments
again and again.

knees
I'm on my knees
and ur out the door
I always wanted u 2 grow ur hair
but now u need it cut

Jay

Thanks 2 u ive paid the price of infedelity.
Now i know the way a man
doesnt know what he wants.
A man who wants everything at once.

Paradigm Shift

Therapy is a weird thing
The things it makes you think
The places it makes you go
The connections it forces you to make

The love that I was raised with was unsafe
It was ambivalent
It was always at risk of being lost
It was uncertain
And thus I grew up
In a permanent state of vulnerability
And distrust
That anything good would last

So perhaps it's logical
That I should become a person
With that conception of love
That paradigm of never trusting

Because seemingly
I've sought out that model
Located that ambivalence
In others
And drew up to it
Cultivated it
I've created and built
Within that framework

So that when purity
And singular dedication
Comes anywhere near me
I become disabled
Unwilling or unable
To recognize it that beauty
But afraid
And overwhelmed
By something
So different
From that which I'm accustomed:
My dysfunctional normal

And now it takes so much work to undo.

Willing/Unwilling/Skilled/Unskilled

I tell myself
Repeatedly
That it doesn't matter
Who is right
And who is wrong
It matters only
Who and how and if
One is willing
Willing to work
Willing to understand
Willing to grow
Willing to resolve

But I'm still right. For the record.