Trust

If you ever want to waste some time and torture yourself, do some online personality disorder tests. Actually, don't. It's not good for the soul. I say this from experience. Now, I'm fully aware that taking a 5-10 minute online test is in no way a substitute for a proper psychological assessment and thus has zero credibility. But it never ends well and it doesn't make one feel good.

That said, none of the results of the various tests I've taken were surprising. Except one secondary score that showed up several times: apparently, I'm paranoid. Or have paranoid characteristics, or whatever. I think part of that is circumstance. I took these tests in late January/February, which was the apex of this current crisis. So, I'm cutting myself a bit of slack in saying that some of my concerns at that time were well-founded and not paranoid at all, but answering yes to questions like: "I feel on guard all the time" when not in an extreme situation does seem paranoid. In a heavily laden situation, I don't think it does.

So, I've been thinking about that lately. About the accusation that I have out of control anxiety and am paranoid, which when aligned with the personality tests, should cause one to wonder. And I do have anxiety. For sure I do. But my fear is very specific to conflict and loss, and is not some vague and amorphous cloud of anxiety that follows me around in all circumstances and paralyzes me from getting groceries. But thanks for the GAD diagnosis, Milo! Makes me feel so much better about life!

Anyway, all this is related to the question that I've been asking myself endlessly lately: what is it that is tearing me down so much these days? And I've come up with an answer: trust. Or a lack thereof.

Given that the first 20 years of my life were an almost endless stream of betrayal from those charged with taking care of me, it's perhaps no wonder that I view the world as an unsafe and inhospitable place.

The 5 years after that were replete with betrayal, loss, and disappointment with my then-boyfriend/best friend and many of those closest to me and my peers. This only re-ignited my childhood desperation for some security. Then I thought I found some.

But don't hold your breath little girl because intense loss, instability, and duplicity professionally and personally nearly sent me to the brink about 3 years ago. And then slowly, I built some stability and structure in my sphere. But during that period of stability which I had so desperately yearned for, I realised that safety alone does not make me happy or fulfilled.

Then, over the last year and a have, I have been on this total roller coaster from hell. And it has to be said: the level of hurt and disappointment that I have experienced over the past 5 months, whether caused by myself or others, rivals if not eclipses any sorrow I have ever known. It's certainly worse than anything I've gone through in the previous decade or two.

And all of my latent fears about the horribleness of the world have bubbled to the surface. I feel torn to shreds and scattered to the wind. I feel lost beyond words. And the truth is that even those who have tried or wanted to help have added to the bonfire of mistrust growing inside me. Because everyone has their own self-serving motivations and what they say or do must be considered through that filter. What other people do is not entirely for my benefit, even if they insist that it is or they want it to be. But maybe that sounds paranoid. Or maybe it sounds realistic. How can I expect that people will put their own interests aside for my sake? I don't think I can. I don't think that is realistic. But at the same time, it creates a worldview in which no one is a philanthropist.

So trust is my main problem. And wanting to feel safe in the world again is like a thumping in my ear that won't cease. In the CoDA promises they say "I will learn to trust those who are trustworthy." I'm trying to hold onto that notion. That there are those in the world who are trustworthy, but perhaps I need to be more discerning. And perhaps I need to recognize that people change, in both directions.

While I find myself willing and able to accept that in those new people I meet, I find it very difficult to disentangle in those already in my life. Once trust has been breached, how do you repair it? Can you ever re-trust, or is that relationship forever compromised by that breach?

I find it extremely difficult, perhaps impossible, to feel safe and by extension be happy in a relationship with someone whom I don't trust. There are various people in my life whom I don't trust or with whom I have compromised trust. And in most of those instances, I am able to set up a boundary and restrict how much I do in fact trust them or rely on them, whether they know it or not, and I have just accepted that for the time being and maybe forever, our relationship will be limited by that lack of trust.

But, there are other people in my life that I really want to trust or practically speaking need to trust. This problem is obviously most extreme in my primary relationship. I think that a primary relationship has to have trust at its core. But when you see the staggering statistics about trust issues in relationships, it becomes obvious that this is a dare I say, normal, problem that people either accept, or work through, or have no lasting relationships because of. So what then?

I just keep thinking: but I don't want that. I don't want a relationship where I have to accept mistrust. I don't see a great deal of actual working through happening, and I don't want a life without trust or partnership simply because that's the way it goes. I want to believe that not everyone accepts or desires a life like that. That true partnership is actually wanted by people in this world.

The problem is that I am losing the ability to trust generally. So while lovely, trustworthy people may exist or be around me, I am not recognizing it. And it's a growing problem. Because I feel like everyone has an agenda. So maybe I am paranoid. But how do I turn this ship around?

http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/stats-about-infidelity.html

http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/infidelitystats.html

Blessed are the broken

Eureka!

I find people fascinating. And there are a few steadfast ways in which I become particularly intrigued.

I'm going to go a bit off course for a second here, I was talking to my new friend, Baby-Guy, about aloofness. He was complaining that lots of girls go for aloofness. I was trying to explain that the reason for this is simple: if you present a blank slate and don't communicate what is going on below the surface beyond some broad lines, people will fill it in with what they want to be there rather than what is. It's easy to think someone is amazing when you've entirely invented what they are about. The problem comes when you eventually do find out what they are about and it's not the thrill ride of perfection you imagined it to be. So, long story short, I have basically done this over the past 8 years. I basically filled in the blanks with what I wanted to be there, and there's been this sort of slow dawning that what I thought was there in fact is not.

At the same time, I am an analyzer. I am desperate to understand all things all the time. So not surprisingly, I try to understand those I'm around. In some cases, this goes badly because sometimes once I understand, I lose interest. Sometimes, it's the mystery that keeps me in. But othertimes not. Othertimes (fuck you spellcheck, it's a word now!), I can fully understand and still continue to find the person interesting and still want to know all about them.

So, not surprisingly, as I have been in this relationship for 8 years with a blank wall, I have been trying to uncover what is underneath. I have been desperate to understand at times and just wanting to understand at other times. But this is hard to do when you are completely dysfunctional at communicating, as are the two of us.

You know how sometimes infertile chicks suddenly get pregnant after they have adopted a baby? As I came to give up on understanding this person or caring if I ever understood, all the pieces started to come together.

When Milo was young, unspeakably horrible things happened to him. Worse things than what happened to me. But my things were pervasive and ongoing and thus caused me to develop a dysfunctional need for security and a generally negative perception of life. In contrast, he had this bizarre juxtaposition of significant independence at a young age and zero control in seemingly life threatening situations. That contrast and the extreme nature of it, I think created a powerful fear in him and a corresponding compulsion to always maintain control and avoid vulnerability at all costs.

This has manifested in ways that I think have largely detracted from his life. Aside from a handful of occasions, he has insisted on being in charge at all times. He cannot handle being wrong, or mistaken, or being open, or putting someone else first, etc. Everyone is kept at an arm's length. He has never been comfortable working for others and thus has almost always been self employed. This makes sense: vulnerability comes with being an employee of someone else. You must rely on them to take care of you, in a way. It also explains why he will never discuss how he feels or what he dreams of, or fears, etc. Every conversation is on a shallow level so no one gets close. Vulnerability is the enemy. And those who show vulnerability are either put down or dismissed or distanced from. Those types of conversations make him uncomfortable and thus are limited or prevented. I believe this is because, if he is kept unknown and at a distance and superior, he will never be exposed or vulnerable again and thus will avoid the anxiety and crippling fear that I'm sure have haunted him.

And it's sad. It's a sad way to live a life. But I also think that unless he cracks himself open and is willing to walk in vulnerability and openness then he is not qualified to be in a primary relationship. Because exposure of yourself and the risk of that is an essential part of being with someone.

So where does that leave me?

My heart is not my enemy, but I think it is

I can't seem to work today.

Lately, the concept of how experience is processed has come into my circle of awareness.
It would seem that I am dysfunctional in this regard.

Having always been an intelligent person and a highly emotional person, I've danced both with control and the utter lack of it. Somewhere along the line, I decided for reasons that I don't understand, to short circuit the feeling of things.

It seems to me that I could have done this because I don't trust my feelings. Or because I view my feelings as out of control and damaging. Or because my whole life has been pain and I just didn't want to hurt anymore. Or because I wanted to function in the world and my feelings, being huge and overwhelming, are problematic in that regard. Or I see them as being problematic. So, in the interest of being normal or whatever, I just started to shut them down long ago.

So now, I filter all experiences, information, and stimulus through an intellectual paradigm. I shield myself from the uncontrollable nature of feelings by dealing only in academic analysis. I repress and limit and suffocate my feelings so that they don't get in the way, and I analyze everything. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the analyzing. It's something that I find fun in my warped way. Maybe just because it's something I'm good at, something I can control and understand.

But this is not the way it should be. Thoughts should gear feelings and feelings are the guides we use to decide on a path and map out a life, etc. Now maybe we shouldn't always use feelings, but as a species we generally do. I don't, however. I plot, I micro-analyze, I strategize. And in my work, it works out well. But in my life, it doesn't. And the thing is, the only feeling I am really familiar with anymore is fear.

While I was at Gabriola recently, I had the opportunity to deal with this to some degree. I explored my feelings of blind hysterical rage, gut-wrenching sorrow, and briefly at the break of dawn, some minimal joy. Apparently, despite my fervent belief that my feelings are huge and out of control, they aren't so bad. They say I need to learn to be okay with feeling and to feel within parameters that I can handle. I'm told to lean into my feelings, despite how out of control and uncomfortable they make me. This is harder than it looks, folks. Because most of what I feel falls under the "negative" side of the line. And really, I don't want to spend the rest of my life in and out of bouts of depression as a result.

But living life at a permanent, yet bearable, state of moderate pain (6/10 as Tessa scores it) instead of ups and downs doesn't seem to be working out so well either. There is no spontaneity, almost no happiness, no real highs and lows, just a constantly tightly wound wire of trying to keep the boat steady. Trying to keep everything level and not falling apart. So I don't feel and instead intellectualize everything. In that process I wrap ideas around and around myself. I also become desperate desperate to understand everything. Nothing haunts me more than questions of "why? why? why?" I drive myself instead with the NEED TO UNDERSTAND. But as a wise man said to me a few weeks ago: "Some things you will never know. You will never understand. No one will give you these answers or explain it to you. And you need to be okay with that." This is now my mantra: you must accept that you will never understand.

I have started meditating (like a proper hippie/cult convert), with the hope of achieving some sense of inner strength and ability and faith like I have when I'm staring out at the ocean from Gabriola. Because it is only my lack of faith in myself that holds me back in life.

As I told Sebastian: it's like a game of poker. What do you bet? What cards do you give up with the hope of a better hand? What losses are you willing to accept the basis of the risk?

I have reached a strange place: what I've been waiting for over the past 3.5 months has come. I'm trying to crack open my feelings and trust them to guide me. But this is like walking the 401 with a blindfold on.

What can you stand? Under what conditions can you be happy?

"I'll go through it all again,
Watch their doubtful smiles begin,
When the visions that I see believe in me..."
-John K. Samson

Tether

The fine tether
that holds me together
doesn't seem to want to
anymore.

I miss the feel
In your country
Across the border line
I've drawn.

Every time we do this
It feels the same bad way
And willpower's not
my strong suite or forte

But my reasons
Are always the same
Compassion's weight
Keeps me in this state.

It's not for the sake
Of a broken sacrifice
But the betterness
Of your life.

And no matter the ache
Be it midday or midnight
I hold tight
To this concept of right.