Trust
If you ever want to waste some time and torture yourself, do some online personality disorder tests. Actually, don't. It's not good for the soul. I say this from experience. Now, I'm fully aware that taking a 5-10 minute online test is in no way a substitute for a proper psychological assessment and thus has zero credibility. But it never ends well and it doesn't make one feel good.
That said, none of the results of the various tests I've taken were surprising. Except one secondary score that showed up several times: apparently, I'm paranoid. Or have paranoid characteristics, or whatever. I think part of that is circumstance. I took these tests in late January/February, which was the apex of this current crisis. So, I'm cutting myself a bit of slack in saying that some of my concerns at that time were well-founded and not paranoid at all, but answering yes to questions like: "I feel on guard all the time" when not in an extreme situation does seem paranoid. In a heavily laden situation, I don't think it does.
So, I've been thinking about that lately. About the accusation that I have out of control anxiety and am paranoid, which when aligned with the personality tests, should cause one to wonder. And I do have anxiety. For sure I do. But my fear is very specific to conflict and loss, and is not some vague and amorphous cloud of anxiety that follows me around in all circumstances and paralyzes me from getting groceries. But thanks for the GAD diagnosis, Milo! Makes me feel so much better about life!
Anyway, all this is related to the question that I've been asking myself endlessly lately: what is it that is tearing me down so much these days? And I've come up with an answer: trust. Or a lack thereof.
Given that the first 20 years of my life were an almost endless stream of betrayal from those charged with taking care of me, it's perhaps no wonder that I view the world as an unsafe and inhospitable place.
The 5 years after that were replete with betrayal, loss, and disappointment with my then-boyfriend/best friend and many of those closest to me and my peers. This only re-ignited my childhood desperation for some security. Then I thought I found some.
But don't hold your breath little girl because intense loss, instability, and duplicity professionally and personally nearly sent me to the brink about 3 years ago. And then slowly, I built some stability and structure in my sphere. But during that period of stability which I had so desperately yearned for, I realised that safety alone does not make me happy or fulfilled.
Then, over the last year and a have, I have been on this total roller coaster from hell. And it has to be said: the level of hurt and disappointment that I have experienced over the past 5 months, whether caused by myself or others, rivals if not eclipses any sorrow I have ever known. It's certainly worse than anything I've gone through in the previous decade or two.
And all of my latent fears about the horribleness of the world have bubbled to the surface. I feel torn to shreds and scattered to the wind. I feel lost beyond words. And the truth is that even those who have tried or wanted to help have added to the bonfire of mistrust growing inside me. Because everyone has their own self-serving motivations and what they say or do must be considered through that filter. What other people do is not entirely for my benefit, even if they insist that it is or they want it to be. But maybe that sounds paranoid. Or maybe it sounds realistic. How can I expect that people will put their own interests aside for my sake? I don't think I can. I don't think that is realistic. But at the same time, it creates a worldview in which no one is a philanthropist.
So trust is my main problem. And wanting to feel safe in the world again is like a thumping in my ear that won't cease. In the CoDA promises they say "I will learn to trust those who are trustworthy." I'm trying to hold onto that notion. That there are those in the world who are trustworthy, but perhaps I need to be more discerning. And perhaps I need to recognize that people change, in both directions.
While I find myself willing and able to accept that in those new people I meet, I find it very difficult to disentangle in those already in my life. Once trust has been breached, how do you repair it? Can you ever re-trust, or is that relationship forever compromised by that breach?
I find it extremely difficult, perhaps impossible, to feel safe and by extension be happy in a relationship with someone whom I don't trust. There are various people in my life whom I don't trust or with whom I have compromised trust. And in most of those instances, I am able to set up a boundary and restrict how much I do in fact trust them or rely on them, whether they know it or not, and I have just accepted that for the time being and maybe forever, our relationship will be limited by that lack of trust.
But, there are other people in my life that I really want to trust or practically speaking need to trust. This problem is obviously most extreme in my primary relationship. I think that a primary relationship has to have trust at its core. But when you see the staggering statistics about trust issues in relationships, it becomes obvious that this is a dare I say, normal, problem that people either accept, or work through, or have no lasting relationships because of. So what then?
I just keep thinking: but I don't want that. I don't want a relationship where I have to accept mistrust. I don't see a great deal of actual working through happening, and I don't want a life without trust or partnership simply because that's the way it goes. I want to believe that not everyone accepts or desires a life like that. That true partnership is actually wanted by people in this world.
The problem is that I am losing the ability to trust generally. So while lovely, trustworthy people may exist or be around me, I am not recognizing it. And it's a growing problem. Because I feel like everyone has an agenda. So maybe I am paranoid. But how do I turn this ship around?
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/stats-about-infidelity.html
http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/infidelitystats.html
That said, none of the results of the various tests I've taken were surprising. Except one secondary score that showed up several times: apparently, I'm paranoid. Or have paranoid characteristics, or whatever. I think part of that is circumstance. I took these tests in late January/February, which was the apex of this current crisis. So, I'm cutting myself a bit of slack in saying that some of my concerns at that time were well-founded and not paranoid at all, but answering yes to questions like: "I feel on guard all the time" when not in an extreme situation does seem paranoid. In a heavily laden situation, I don't think it does.
So, I've been thinking about that lately. About the accusation that I have out of control anxiety and am paranoid, which when aligned with the personality tests, should cause one to wonder. And I do have anxiety. For sure I do. But my fear is very specific to conflict and loss, and is not some vague and amorphous cloud of anxiety that follows me around in all circumstances and paralyzes me from getting groceries. But thanks for the GAD diagnosis, Milo! Makes me feel so much better about life!
Anyway, all this is related to the question that I've been asking myself endlessly lately: what is it that is tearing me down so much these days? And I've come up with an answer: trust. Or a lack thereof.
Given that the first 20 years of my life were an almost endless stream of betrayal from those charged with taking care of me, it's perhaps no wonder that I view the world as an unsafe and inhospitable place.
The 5 years after that were replete with betrayal, loss, and disappointment with my then-boyfriend/best friend and many of those closest to me and my peers. This only re-ignited my childhood desperation for some security. Then I thought I found some.
But don't hold your breath little girl because intense loss, instability, and duplicity professionally and personally nearly sent me to the brink about 3 years ago. And then slowly, I built some stability and structure in my sphere. But during that period of stability which I had so desperately yearned for, I realised that safety alone does not make me happy or fulfilled.
Then, over the last year and a have, I have been on this total roller coaster from hell. And it has to be said: the level of hurt and disappointment that I have experienced over the past 5 months, whether caused by myself or others, rivals if not eclipses any sorrow I have ever known. It's certainly worse than anything I've gone through in the previous decade or two.
And all of my latent fears about the horribleness of the world have bubbled to the surface. I feel torn to shreds and scattered to the wind. I feel lost beyond words. And the truth is that even those who have tried or wanted to help have added to the bonfire of mistrust growing inside me. Because everyone has their own self-serving motivations and what they say or do must be considered through that filter. What other people do is not entirely for my benefit, even if they insist that it is or they want it to be. But maybe that sounds paranoid. Or maybe it sounds realistic. How can I expect that people will put their own interests aside for my sake? I don't think I can. I don't think that is realistic. But at the same time, it creates a worldview in which no one is a philanthropist.
So trust is my main problem. And wanting to feel safe in the world again is like a thumping in my ear that won't cease. In the CoDA promises they say "I will learn to trust those who are trustworthy." I'm trying to hold onto that notion. That there are those in the world who are trustworthy, but perhaps I need to be more discerning. And perhaps I need to recognize that people change, in both directions.
While I find myself willing and able to accept that in those new people I meet, I find it very difficult to disentangle in those already in my life. Once trust has been breached, how do you repair it? Can you ever re-trust, or is that relationship forever compromised by that breach?
I find it extremely difficult, perhaps impossible, to feel safe and by extension be happy in a relationship with someone whom I don't trust. There are various people in my life whom I don't trust or with whom I have compromised trust. And in most of those instances, I am able to set up a boundary and restrict how much I do in fact trust them or rely on them, whether they know it or not, and I have just accepted that for the time being and maybe forever, our relationship will be limited by that lack of trust.
But, there are other people in my life that I really want to trust or practically speaking need to trust. This problem is obviously most extreme in my primary relationship. I think that a primary relationship has to have trust at its core. But when you see the staggering statistics about trust issues in relationships, it becomes obvious that this is a dare I say, normal, problem that people either accept, or work through, or have no lasting relationships because of. So what then?
I just keep thinking: but I don't want that. I don't want a relationship where I have to accept mistrust. I don't see a great deal of actual working through happening, and I don't want a life without trust or partnership simply because that's the way it goes. I want to believe that not everyone accepts or desires a life like that. That true partnership is actually wanted by people in this world.
The problem is that I am losing the ability to trust generally. So while lovely, trustworthy people may exist or be around me, I am not recognizing it. And it's a growing problem. Because I feel like everyone has an agenda. So maybe I am paranoid. But how do I turn this ship around?
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/stats-about-infidelity.html
http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/infidelitystats.html
posted by venbot | 12:27 p.m.
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