Addicted

I've been thinking about Co-Dependence.

I attended an open 12 step meeting a couple of weeks ago. I was really touched by it. I've been thinking about what all of these things have in common and how it is that an addiction-based process works for something that is seemingly just plain dysfunction in relating and not addiction related. So why does it work? Is this the miracle cure for all problems? Can't be.

So I started ruminating.

And, I can't speak for others. I won't speak for others. But it occurs to me that, at its core, what co-dependence is, for me, is essentially an addiction to love.

Because I'm desperate for attention, affection, empathy, passion, belonging, and feeling cared about. I feel forever afloat in an unsafe and terrifying world. Alice in Wonderland as viewed by American McGee. Always looking for a way to feel safe. To feel held. To feel not alone.

And I do sometimes terrible, sometimes crushing, sometimes soul-destroying things to get it. To feel that.

I bend myself inside out. I let stand things that are completely disrespectful and hurtful for the sole reason of feeding the addiction.

I destroy myself to avoid the searing and tortuous means by which I experience and know loss.

Because, I have come to see: I would do ANYTHING. And I would take ANYTHING. For just a little more. Just another moment where I feel okay.

Don't get me wrong. I fully get that we all want love. We all want affection and to feel cared about. And we all see losing people as a negative thing and are saddened by it. But just the same as I can thoroughly enjoy a bottle of Wild Goose and not lie or steal to get it, I think that other people appreciate their relationships with others and try to limit conflict and losing people, but they don't sit in their offices staring out the window for hours a day months on end, trying to work out how to keep keep keep. How to unpuzzle the problem of conflict and limitation.

And sure, I could go into my shitty childhood, poor parenting, social isolation due to illness and moving repeatedly. I could point to a lack of stability or safety net or support group my whole life. I could say love is necessary for life because people need people. I could come up with a million excuses or reasons for my behaviour. And there are reasons. Reasons I see now.

But they don't change the responsibility that I have to take, as an adult, for the people I have disrespected and mistreated, myself above all. I'm sorry.

So I'm working to balance. I'm learning to draw lines. I'm trying to figure it out and set things right. But right this time, not for the addiction but for my future healthy and loving relationships.

My name is Vanessa, and I am a love addict.