Blessed are the broken
Eureka!
I find people fascinating. And there are a few steadfast ways in which I become particularly intrigued.
I'm going to go a bit off course for a second here, I was talking to my new friend, Baby-Guy, about aloofness. He was complaining that lots of girls go for aloofness. I was trying to explain that the reason for this is simple: if you present a blank slate and don't communicate what is going on below the surface beyond some broad lines, people will fill it in with what they want to be there rather than what is. It's easy to think someone is amazing when you've entirely invented what they are about. The problem comes when you eventually do find out what they are about and it's not the thrill ride of perfection you imagined it to be. So, long story short, I have basically done this over the past 8 years. I basically filled in the blanks with what I wanted to be there, and there's been this sort of slow dawning that what I thought was there in fact is not.
At the same time, I am an analyzer. I am desperate to understand all things all the time. So not surprisingly, I try to understand those I'm around. In some cases, this goes badly because sometimes once I understand, I lose interest. Sometimes, it's the mystery that keeps me in. But othertimes not. Othertimes (fuck you spellcheck, it's a word now!), I can fully understand and still continue to find the person interesting and still want to know all about them.
So, not surprisingly, as I have been in this relationship for 8 years with a blank wall, I have been trying to uncover what is underneath. I have been desperate to understand at times and just wanting to understand at other times. But this is hard to do when you are completely dysfunctional at communicating, as are the two of us.
You know how sometimes infertile chicks suddenly get pregnant after they have adopted a baby? As I came to give up on understanding this person or caring if I ever understood, all the pieces started to come together.
When Milo was young, unspeakably horrible things happened to him. Worse things than what happened to me. But my things were pervasive and ongoing and thus caused me to develop a dysfunctional need for security and a generally negative perception of life. In contrast, he had this bizarre juxtaposition of significant independence at a young age and zero control in seemingly life threatening situations. That contrast and the extreme nature of it, I think created a powerful fear in him and a corresponding compulsion to always maintain control and avoid vulnerability at all costs.
This has manifested in ways that I think have largely detracted from his life. Aside from a handful of occasions, he has insisted on being in charge at all times. He cannot handle being wrong, or mistaken, or being open, or putting someone else first, etc. Everyone is kept at an arm's length. He has never been comfortable working for others and thus has almost always been self employed. This makes sense: vulnerability comes with being an employee of someone else. You must rely on them to take care of you, in a way. It also explains why he will never discuss how he feels or what he dreams of, or fears, etc. Every conversation is on a shallow level so no one gets close. Vulnerability is the enemy. And those who show vulnerability are either put down or dismissed or distanced from. Those types of conversations make him uncomfortable and thus are limited or prevented. I believe this is because, if he is kept unknown and at a distance and superior, he will never be exposed or vulnerable again and thus will avoid the anxiety and crippling fear that I'm sure have haunted him.
And it's sad. It's a sad way to live a life. But I also think that unless he cracks himself open and is willing to walk in vulnerability and openness then he is not qualified to be in a primary relationship. Because exposure of yourself and the risk of that is an essential part of being with someone.
So where does that leave me?
I find people fascinating. And there are a few steadfast ways in which I become particularly intrigued.
I'm going to go a bit off course for a second here, I was talking to my new friend, Baby-Guy, about aloofness. He was complaining that lots of girls go for aloofness. I was trying to explain that the reason for this is simple: if you present a blank slate and don't communicate what is going on below the surface beyond some broad lines, people will fill it in with what they want to be there rather than what is. It's easy to think someone is amazing when you've entirely invented what they are about. The problem comes when you eventually do find out what they are about and it's not the thrill ride of perfection you imagined it to be. So, long story short, I have basically done this over the past 8 years. I basically filled in the blanks with what I wanted to be there, and there's been this sort of slow dawning that what I thought was there in fact is not.
At the same time, I am an analyzer. I am desperate to understand all things all the time. So not surprisingly, I try to understand those I'm around. In some cases, this goes badly because sometimes once I understand, I lose interest. Sometimes, it's the mystery that keeps me in. But othertimes not. Othertimes (fuck you spellcheck, it's a word now!), I can fully understand and still continue to find the person interesting and still want to know all about them.
So, not surprisingly, as I have been in this relationship for 8 years with a blank wall, I have been trying to uncover what is underneath. I have been desperate to understand at times and just wanting to understand at other times. But this is hard to do when you are completely dysfunctional at communicating, as are the two of us.
You know how sometimes infertile chicks suddenly get pregnant after they have adopted a baby? As I came to give up on understanding this person or caring if I ever understood, all the pieces started to come together.
When Milo was young, unspeakably horrible things happened to him. Worse things than what happened to me. But my things were pervasive and ongoing and thus caused me to develop a dysfunctional need for security and a generally negative perception of life. In contrast, he had this bizarre juxtaposition of significant independence at a young age and zero control in seemingly life threatening situations. That contrast and the extreme nature of it, I think created a powerful fear in him and a corresponding compulsion to always maintain control and avoid vulnerability at all costs.
This has manifested in ways that I think have largely detracted from his life. Aside from a handful of occasions, he has insisted on being in charge at all times. He cannot handle being wrong, or mistaken, or being open, or putting someone else first, etc. Everyone is kept at an arm's length. He has never been comfortable working for others and thus has almost always been self employed. This makes sense: vulnerability comes with being an employee of someone else. You must rely on them to take care of you, in a way. It also explains why he will never discuss how he feels or what he dreams of, or fears, etc. Every conversation is on a shallow level so no one gets close. Vulnerability is the enemy. And those who show vulnerability are either put down or dismissed or distanced from. Those types of conversations make him uncomfortable and thus are limited or prevented. I believe this is because, if he is kept unknown and at a distance and superior, he will never be exposed or vulnerable again and thus will avoid the anxiety and crippling fear that I'm sure have haunted him.
And it's sad. It's a sad way to live a life. But I also think that unless he cracks himself open and is willing to walk in vulnerability and openness then he is not qualified to be in a primary relationship. Because exposure of yourself and the risk of that is an essential part of being with someone.
So where does that leave me?
posted by venbot | 10:09 a.m.
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