Lessons from Gabriola
People keep asking me about Gabriola: how was it? what did we do? what did I learn? what was it like? etc etc
And the truth is that I can't tell you. In part because I have come to believe in all of the magic secrets that make it such an amazing place. But the main reason is that it would take like 20 hours to explain. Tessa picked me up in Horseshoe Bay and we talked about it for 7 hours and I felt like we only scratched the surface. And I realise that it's boring to anyone but me. Because you had to be there and it's different for everyone.
Part of what goes on there is learning a new way to communicate. The point of this new way is to lessen misunderstandings, create greater clarity, and increase emotional intimacy. An important aspect is ensuring that the message you relay matches with your intention. But the communication model cannot be widely spread because you don't want that kind of relationship with everyone and people will think you're weird. So you have to choose who to share it with. And it's sort of a gift that you share. But I think that even if you don't use it all the time with everyone, it does help to create an internal clarity that benefit all communications.
During the first 24 hours that I was there, I remained distant, in my own head. I thought about leaving. I was overwrought with emotion and confusion. But then I decided to give Nigel's advice a shot: I would take some time for me and just allow myself the opportunity. So I agreed with myself to give it another 24 hours and to make an effort to connect with people and actually participate. And I never looked back.
I met some wonderful people. I met some people who touched me tremendously, but whom I will likely never encounter again. And I'm cool with that. I met others that I hope will be in my life for years to come. I'm always in search of mother figures and I found one in the form of a brilliant and sarcastic but ultimately tender woman who lives on another continent, but who I plan to go to for advice forever.
I met a woman who I feel is like a sister to me. She is so good and kind and loves to laugh. We're sort of at the same stage in our lives and there is a real kinship there.
I also met two amazing lads, that I sort of mentally view on either side of me. The one is a few years older than me and has single-handedly renewed my faith in the male gender. There is not enough gratitude in my vocabulary to express how thankful I am to have met someone who so perfectly exemplifies unwavering goodness on the outside and yet struggles so relentlessly on the inside to remain that way. I have just tremendous adoration for him.
On the other side, there is a very sweet kid who reminds me so much of someone I used to know and will always love. He made me laugh and indulged all of my sarcastic impulses while simultaneously demonstrating a great deal of heart and an excellent intellectual foil. I hope that we remain in each others lives for years to come and that I can play some role in shaping what will I'm sure be an amazing life.
So I am renewed in my faith in people and in the universe, having these tremendous individuals enter my world. In what can only be a disturbing turn of events, it occurred to me part-way through that adventure that the leaders of the program have the same names as my parents and also share a certain likeness. In the scheme of what I experienced there, that discovery was rather disturbing.
In one of those small world things, it also turned out that I knew my two small group leaders. One of which I realised and the other I only discovered upon my return. I suppose that explains the "I feel like I know yous...." I kept getting.
What else can I say? I learned a lot about myself. And I learned a lot about people in general. About what unites us. About how so many of us have the same core shit that just manifests differently.
I was forced to come to terms with the fact that I have had a very sad life. And that every chapter of my life has brought me sorrow and disappointment and heartbreak. I also learned that I have not been so hot at dealing with the various bad cards I've been dealt. Sure, I've molded myself into a "high functioning member of society" as Robin put it. But I've done so at great internal expense. I've been a good soldier, but in the soldiering I've destroyed so much in myself and in others. And that's hard. But now I have work to do to put the pieces back in place so that I am not only just an externally successful individual but an internally successful one as well.
What I've also learned is that all of my tragedy has borne a gift in me. The gift to understand the pain of other people and the ability to help them. It was strange how by the end of the week, people were seeking me out, wanting my wisdom, my advice, my consolation, telling me I had changed their lives. It was weird, but it has me thinking about new directions to take. It also helped me see myself differently. Maybe as not the valueless piece of shit I always believed myself to be.
The other major event was the discovery of the source of my addiction/co-dependancy. I discovered where that originated and was finally able to trace how this happened to me that I became this special brand of dysfunctional. And with that understanding came it's release. The vice grip that dependency (on one individual in particular) has had on me for 6 years was relieved. Now, I'm not stupid enough to believe that it will never return. I'm quite certain that if I don't put a lot of work in, it most definitely will return. But, for the moment, I have a reprieve. That also doesn't mean that I don't have a whole slew of other confused thoughts and feelings and insecurities around my life, it's just that the addiction aspect is at bay for the time being. But like the shape-shifting smoke monster on "Lost" it will take up another shape, new or old, at some point if not addressed. So that really needs to be my primary focus right now. Because I'm tired of being controlled by this addiction. And I'm tired of feeling bad for ruining peoples' lives as a result of the addiction, including my own.
But, like the fucking slow ass tortoise that I am, I'm still processing processing....
And the truth is that I can't tell you. In part because I have come to believe in all of the magic secrets that make it such an amazing place. But the main reason is that it would take like 20 hours to explain. Tessa picked me up in Horseshoe Bay and we talked about it for 7 hours and I felt like we only scratched the surface. And I realise that it's boring to anyone but me. Because you had to be there and it's different for everyone.
Part of what goes on there is learning a new way to communicate. The point of this new way is to lessen misunderstandings, create greater clarity, and increase emotional intimacy. An important aspect is ensuring that the message you relay matches with your intention. But the communication model cannot be widely spread because you don't want that kind of relationship with everyone and people will think you're weird. So you have to choose who to share it with. And it's sort of a gift that you share. But I think that even if you don't use it all the time with everyone, it does help to create an internal clarity that benefit all communications.
During the first 24 hours that I was there, I remained distant, in my own head. I thought about leaving. I was overwrought with emotion and confusion. But then I decided to give Nigel's advice a shot: I would take some time for me and just allow myself the opportunity. So I agreed with myself to give it another 24 hours and to make an effort to connect with people and actually participate. And I never looked back.
I met some wonderful people. I met some people who touched me tremendously, but whom I will likely never encounter again. And I'm cool with that. I met others that I hope will be in my life for years to come. I'm always in search of mother figures and I found one in the form of a brilliant and sarcastic but ultimately tender woman who lives on another continent, but who I plan to go to for advice forever.
I met a woman who I feel is like a sister to me. She is so good and kind and loves to laugh. We're sort of at the same stage in our lives and there is a real kinship there.
I also met two amazing lads, that I sort of mentally view on either side of me. The one is a few years older than me and has single-handedly renewed my faith in the male gender. There is not enough gratitude in my vocabulary to express how thankful I am to have met someone who so perfectly exemplifies unwavering goodness on the outside and yet struggles so relentlessly on the inside to remain that way. I have just tremendous adoration for him.
On the other side, there is a very sweet kid who reminds me so much of someone I used to know and will always love. He made me laugh and indulged all of my sarcastic impulses while simultaneously demonstrating a great deal of heart and an excellent intellectual foil. I hope that we remain in each others lives for years to come and that I can play some role in shaping what will I'm sure be an amazing life.
So I am renewed in my faith in people and in the universe, having these tremendous individuals enter my world. In what can only be a disturbing turn of events, it occurred to me part-way through that adventure that the leaders of the program have the same names as my parents and also share a certain likeness. In the scheme of what I experienced there, that discovery was rather disturbing.
In one of those small world things, it also turned out that I knew my two small group leaders. One of which I realised and the other I only discovered upon my return. I suppose that explains the "I feel like I know yous...." I kept getting.
What else can I say? I learned a lot about myself. And I learned a lot about people in general. About what unites us. About how so many of us have the same core shit that just manifests differently.
I was forced to come to terms with the fact that I have had a very sad life. And that every chapter of my life has brought me sorrow and disappointment and heartbreak. I also learned that I have not been so hot at dealing with the various bad cards I've been dealt. Sure, I've molded myself into a "high functioning member of society" as Robin put it. But I've done so at great internal expense. I've been a good soldier, but in the soldiering I've destroyed so much in myself and in others. And that's hard. But now I have work to do to put the pieces back in place so that I am not only just an externally successful individual but an internally successful one as well.
What I've also learned is that all of my tragedy has borne a gift in me. The gift to understand the pain of other people and the ability to help them. It was strange how by the end of the week, people were seeking me out, wanting my wisdom, my advice, my consolation, telling me I had changed their lives. It was weird, but it has me thinking about new directions to take. It also helped me see myself differently. Maybe as not the valueless piece of shit I always believed myself to be.
The other major event was the discovery of the source of my addiction/co-dependancy. I discovered where that originated and was finally able to trace how this happened to me that I became this special brand of dysfunctional. And with that understanding came it's release. The vice grip that dependency (on one individual in particular) has had on me for 6 years was relieved. Now, I'm not stupid enough to believe that it will never return. I'm quite certain that if I don't put a lot of work in, it most definitely will return. But, for the moment, I have a reprieve. That also doesn't mean that I don't have a whole slew of other confused thoughts and feelings and insecurities around my life, it's just that the addiction aspect is at bay for the time being. But like the shape-shifting smoke monster on "Lost" it will take up another shape, new or old, at some point if not addressed. So that really needs to be my primary focus right now. Because I'm tired of being controlled by this addiction. And I'm tired of feeling bad for ruining peoples' lives as a result of the addiction, including my own.
But, like the fucking slow ass tortoise that I am, I'm still processing processing....
posted by venbot | 11:25 a.m.
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