Gabriola - Day 1

So, after a horrendous day, I got on a ferry and headed over to Vancouver Island. I spent the majority of the journey in tears. Or reading "Eat, Pray, Love". Of course every moment of this day has been compared to the previous journey to this place. This time around it was a lot lonelier and sadder.

Of course, then the ferry was late. So my narrow 15 minute window between ferries became an impossible 1 minute window. I arrived 4 minutes after my connecting ferry to Gabriola Island left. I watched it travel away from me, just out of reach. I tried very hard not to jump across the little half-door and choke the overly cheerful ticket seller guy. Frustrated and once again in tears, I sat on a large triangular piece of concrete and stared out at the mountains.

55 fun-filled minutes later, I boarded the ferry. The same ferry I recall boarding so clearly only 6 months ago. I decided to give myself a break emotionally and not venture inside to relive that journey. I stayed outside and breathed in the seaweed air and felt myself relax as the island approached. I had just enough cell life left to call for a taxi from the ferry so it would be there upon my arrival. I have somehow managed to spend $80 today.

I got off the ferry and headed to my destination, now 45 minutes late. Checked in, got my room sorted, blah blah, headed to class.

This group is roughly 1.5 times larger than the last time I was here. Maybe twice as big. And most of the people are old. This is a disappointment. I found myself missing Nigel and Tessa immediately. There are a handful of 20-something guys and one or two women in their 30s, but mostly everyone is 50-60+.

There was a not so interesting but anxiety inducing start, well, start for me because I was late. It involved walking around the room at different paces and eventually shaking hands, elbows, noses, knees, and feet. I didn't participate in the feet one. While I appreciate that I'm here to expand my horizons, that will never extend as far as touching peoples' feet. Not gonna happen.

Anyhow, then came a very interesting chat with a lovely woman in her 50's who is dealing incredibly well with some unbelievably tragic circumstances. She is the kind of woman I wish I could become, with the kind of family I long for.

Then we started with the breathing stuff. I personally hate breathing activities and body work stuff. They say I have an issue with my body, that I see myself as separate from it and despise it. Possibly. Anyway, I know that breathing is the first part of the BAAAA model that I will be subjecting myself to, so I anticipated that lots of breathing stuff would be involved. So we did that and then some wandering around in the dark.

Now, I don't know if other people experience this (but I assume so), but almost invariably when put into a group situation there are 1 or 2 people that I really hope I can avoid and don't have to spend a lot of time with. So, lo and behold, I an instructor I know from the previous course here partners me with one of these people I would prefer to avoid while I am wandering around the room in the dark. I'm annoyed immediately. But I accept my powerlessness in the situation.

But then something really surprising happens: I discover the absolute wonderfulness of this woman. We did this very bizarre activity in which we sat across from each other in the dark and held hands and we expressed various feelings and got to know each other through touch. Believe me, I did not want to touch this woman, but I did. And in that moment, even briefly, my prejudice and distaste and whatever else vanished. I came to understand that whatever my issues are with this type of person have nothing to do with the actual people and have everything to do with my own damage.

The entire exercise made me think of someone I really miss and really cherish even though I don't express it, someone I was very much hoping would share this experience of "coming alive" with me. And when we were asked to express sorrow I found myself sobbing profusely.

Afterward, this woman shared some very surprising and beautiful insights about me and it made me realize how bad I feel every moment of every day now. That my reality is not one in which I see any of those things about myself anymore. I struggle to remember a moment when I felt truly happy and the closest I get is a year ago, dancing in my kitchen with my headphones on, baking cookies. After some nightmares but while their impact remained unknown, and before so much awful heaviness to come.

Then came an interesting discussion about cell contraction and expansion. About how we are all either in protection mode or growth mode. I concluded that I am almost exclusively in protection mode and I can't remember anymore when that wasn't the case.

We finally conclude at 10 or so and I realise that I haven't eaten anything in 11 hours. So I head to the main lodge and consume the turkey dinner they kindly set aside for me. The smell of raisin bread reminds me of Nigel and his never ending appetite and I wish that I didn't feel so alone. Then I discover a message from him and I am immediately buoyed, even though he sort of hates me and doesn't talk to me anymore. Weird. I appreciate the support, none the less.

I then head to my room to discover that my roommate is the other person in the group that I was desperately hoping to avoid. Not sure how much sleep I'm going to get with the awesome cacophony of snoring 2 feet away.

So, yeah. That's day 1, essentially.