Lessons from Gabriola

People keep asking me about Gabriola: how was it? what did we do? what did I learn? what was it like? etc etc

And the truth is that I can't tell you. In part because I have come to believe in all of the magic secrets that make it such an amazing place. But the main reason is that it would take like 20 hours to explain. Tessa picked me up in Horseshoe Bay and we talked about it for 7 hours and I felt like we only scratched the surface. And I realise that it's boring to anyone but me. Because you had to be there and it's different for everyone.

Part of what goes on there is learning a new way to communicate. The point of this new way is to lessen misunderstandings, create greater clarity, and increase emotional intimacy. An important aspect is ensuring that the message you relay matches with your intention. But the communication model cannot be widely spread because you don't want that kind of relationship with everyone and people will think you're weird. So you have to choose who to share it with. And it's sort of a gift that you share. But I think that even if you don't use it all the time with everyone, it does help to create an internal clarity that benefit all communications.

During the first 24 hours that I was there, I remained distant, in my own head. I thought about leaving. I was overwrought with emotion and confusion. But then I decided to give Nigel's advice a shot: I would take some time for me and just allow myself the opportunity. So I agreed with myself to give it another 24 hours and to make an effort to connect with people and actually participate. And I never looked back.

I met some wonderful people. I met some people who touched me tremendously, but whom I will likely never encounter again. And I'm cool with that. I met others that I hope will be in my life for years to come. I'm always in search of mother figures and I found one in the form of a brilliant and sarcastic but ultimately tender woman who lives on another continent, but who I plan to go to for advice forever.

I met a woman who I feel is like a sister to me. She is so good and kind and loves to laugh. We're sort of at the same stage in our lives and there is a real kinship there.

I also met two amazing lads, that I sort of mentally view on either side of me. The one is a few years older than me and has single-handedly renewed my faith in the male gender. There is not enough gratitude in my vocabulary to express how thankful I am to have met someone who so perfectly exemplifies unwavering goodness on the outside and yet struggles so relentlessly on the inside to remain that way. I have just tremendous adoration for him.

On the other side, there is a very sweet kid who reminds me so much of someone I used to know and will always love. He made me laugh and indulged all of my sarcastic impulses while simultaneously demonstrating a great deal of heart and an excellent intellectual foil. I hope that we remain in each others lives for years to come and that I can play some role in shaping what will I'm sure be an amazing life.

So I am renewed in my faith in people and in the universe, having these tremendous individuals enter my world. In what can only be a disturbing turn of events, it occurred to me part-way through that adventure that the leaders of the program have the same names as my parents and also share a certain likeness. In the scheme of what I experienced there, that discovery was rather disturbing.

In one of those small world things, it also turned out that I knew my two small group leaders. One of which I realised and the other I only discovered upon my return. I suppose that explains the "I feel like I know yous...." I kept getting.

What else can I say? I learned a lot about myself. And I learned a lot about people in general. About what unites us. About how so many of us have the same core shit that just manifests differently.

I was forced to come to terms with the fact that I have had a very sad life. And that every chapter of my life has brought me sorrow and disappointment and heartbreak. I also learned that I have not been so hot at dealing with the various bad cards I've been dealt. Sure, I've molded myself into a "high functioning member of society" as Robin put it. But I've done so at great internal expense. I've been a good soldier, but in the soldiering I've destroyed so much in myself and in others. And that's hard. But now I have work to do to put the pieces back in place so that I am not only just an externally successful individual but an internally successful one as well.

What I've also learned is that all of my tragedy has borne a gift in me. The gift to understand the pain of other people and the ability to help them. It was strange how by the end of the week, people were seeking me out, wanting my wisdom, my advice, my consolation, telling me I had changed their lives. It was weird, but it has me thinking about new directions to take. It also helped me see myself differently. Maybe as not the valueless piece of shit I always believed myself to be.

The other major event was the discovery of the source of my addiction/co-dependancy. I discovered where that originated and was finally able to trace how this happened to me that I became this special brand of dysfunctional. And with that understanding came it's release. The vice grip that dependency (on one individual in particular) has had on me for 6 years was relieved. Now, I'm not stupid enough to believe that it will never return. I'm quite certain that if I don't put a lot of work in, it most definitely will return. But, for the moment, I have a reprieve. That also doesn't mean that I don't have a whole slew of other confused thoughts and feelings and insecurities around my life, it's just that the addiction aspect is at bay for the time being. But like the shape-shifting smoke monster on "Lost" it will take up another shape, new or old, at some point if not addressed. So that really needs to be my primary focus right now. Because I'm tired of being controlled by this addiction. And I'm tired of feeling bad for ruining peoples' lives as a result of the addiction, including my own.

But, like the fucking slow ass tortoise that I am, I'm still processing processing....

Gabriola - Day 1

So, after a horrendous day, I got on a ferry and headed over to Vancouver Island. I spent the majority of the journey in tears. Or reading "Eat, Pray, Love". Of course every moment of this day has been compared to the previous journey to this place. This time around it was a lot lonelier and sadder.

Of course, then the ferry was late. So my narrow 15 minute window between ferries became an impossible 1 minute window. I arrived 4 minutes after my connecting ferry to Gabriola Island left. I watched it travel away from me, just out of reach. I tried very hard not to jump across the little half-door and choke the overly cheerful ticket seller guy. Frustrated and once again in tears, I sat on a large triangular piece of concrete and stared out at the mountains.

55 fun-filled minutes later, I boarded the ferry. The same ferry I recall boarding so clearly only 6 months ago. I decided to give myself a break emotionally and not venture inside to relive that journey. I stayed outside and breathed in the seaweed air and felt myself relax as the island approached. I had just enough cell life left to call for a taxi from the ferry so it would be there upon my arrival. I have somehow managed to spend $80 today.

I got off the ferry and headed to my destination, now 45 minutes late. Checked in, got my room sorted, blah blah, headed to class.

This group is roughly 1.5 times larger than the last time I was here. Maybe twice as big. And most of the people are old. This is a disappointment. I found myself missing Nigel and Tessa immediately. There are a handful of 20-something guys and one or two women in their 30s, but mostly everyone is 50-60+.

There was a not so interesting but anxiety inducing start, well, start for me because I was late. It involved walking around the room at different paces and eventually shaking hands, elbows, noses, knees, and feet. I didn't participate in the feet one. While I appreciate that I'm here to expand my horizons, that will never extend as far as touching peoples' feet. Not gonna happen.

Anyhow, then came a very interesting chat with a lovely woman in her 50's who is dealing incredibly well with some unbelievably tragic circumstances. She is the kind of woman I wish I could become, with the kind of family I long for.

Then we started with the breathing stuff. I personally hate breathing activities and body work stuff. They say I have an issue with my body, that I see myself as separate from it and despise it. Possibly. Anyway, I know that breathing is the first part of the BAAAA model that I will be subjecting myself to, so I anticipated that lots of breathing stuff would be involved. So we did that and then some wandering around in the dark.

Now, I don't know if other people experience this (but I assume so), but almost invariably when put into a group situation there are 1 or 2 people that I really hope I can avoid and don't have to spend a lot of time with. So, lo and behold, I an instructor I know from the previous course here partners me with one of these people I would prefer to avoid while I am wandering around the room in the dark. I'm annoyed immediately. But I accept my powerlessness in the situation.

But then something really surprising happens: I discover the absolute wonderfulness of this woman. We did this very bizarre activity in which we sat across from each other in the dark and held hands and we expressed various feelings and got to know each other through touch. Believe me, I did not want to touch this woman, but I did. And in that moment, even briefly, my prejudice and distaste and whatever else vanished. I came to understand that whatever my issues are with this type of person have nothing to do with the actual people and have everything to do with my own damage.

The entire exercise made me think of someone I really miss and really cherish even though I don't express it, someone I was very much hoping would share this experience of "coming alive" with me. And when we were asked to express sorrow I found myself sobbing profusely.

Afterward, this woman shared some very surprising and beautiful insights about me and it made me realize how bad I feel every moment of every day now. That my reality is not one in which I see any of those things about myself anymore. I struggle to remember a moment when I felt truly happy and the closest I get is a year ago, dancing in my kitchen with my headphones on, baking cookies. After some nightmares but while their impact remained unknown, and before so much awful heaviness to come.

Then came an interesting discussion about cell contraction and expansion. About how we are all either in protection mode or growth mode. I concluded that I am almost exclusively in protection mode and I can't remember anymore when that wasn't the case.

We finally conclude at 10 or so and I realise that I haven't eaten anything in 11 hours. So I head to the main lodge and consume the turkey dinner they kindly set aside for me. The smell of raisin bread reminds me of Nigel and his never ending appetite and I wish that I didn't feel so alone. Then I discover a message from him and I am immediately buoyed, even though he sort of hates me and doesn't talk to me anymore. Weird. I appreciate the support, none the less.

I then head to my room to discover that my roommate is the other person in the group that I was desperately hoping to avoid. Not sure how much sleep I'm going to get with the awesome cacophony of snoring 2 feet away.

So, yeah. That's day 1, essentially.