The World Devoured

Thursday, September 24, 2009

It's correctible, they're right you know, it's as easy as it sounds

Matt Good posted this recently, and I gotta say he put it rather perfectly:

Rolling

It’s rolling towards 2am. Can’t sleep again. On the usual amount of bedtime medication, but its ability to help me sleep is beginning to wane. Just feel more stoned than anything, or what, in my experience, stoned feels like. I only know the depths of pharmaceutical’s finest downers, either a perk or a curse to those that wrestle the long arm of mental illness. I’ve two left hands, can’t concentrate, can’t really type.

Worry not, dear readers, nothing is amiss. It’s just all part of the daily battle. After a while people tend to forget that you fight it, even those closest to you. If you can pull off the act then you’ve mastered the art of projecting a neatly packaged false sense of normalcy. That’s the truth of it. But I ain’t normal – whatever that is – nor will I ever be.


For another great post, check out:

http://www.matthewgood.org/2009/09/a-lifetime-ago/

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Iron your carefully crafted disguise

Me and choices have a troubled history together.

I always thought that the greatest feature of my less than stellar childhood was its variety. No one was around often enough or long enough to create any sense of stability. And being inquisitive and a kid, I naturally asked a lot of questions of a lot of people. The end result being the realization that most people have different views on most things. This created the sense in me that most things are subjective, most opinions are simply one's own, that there is no such thing as objective truth or absolute right and wrong. If you don't like what someone says, don't worry about it, it's just their opinion and if you ask someone else, they will likely say something different about it. This made me naturally critical of all information and assertions, and also curious to challenge all beliefs. And that skill set has served me well over the years.

But what I always loved about it was the fact that I never had a set of beliefs or understandings or answers handed down to me. A lot of people I've met believe in god, or marriage, or homophobia, or a specific religion or political party because that's what their parents believed and that's what they were taught was right. I was never taught that anything was "right" per se. I was only taught that person x has opinion y, and person a has opinion b, and so on. So basically everything I think and believe I had to figure out for myself. For a long time I thought that was great. Here I am a big free thinker, unencumbered by the belief systems of others telling me what to think and what to do.

But there's the rub. Because not having guidance or direction in what to do or what is right, I was sent out into the world without the proper tool kit for making decisions. I always dealt with this in one of three ways:

1. The path of least resistance: What will make other people happy and make life less difficult for me in the process. This worked really well when I was in an abusive household and the options were play along or get thrown down the stairs.

2. Instinct: What does my gut tell me? This could also be interpreted as decision making based on what I really want.

3. Reason it out: What makes sense to believe or to do? Challenge that assumption, and see if it still works out. If not, change it and repeat the process until you find something that works.

Between the years of 13 - 18, I became totally paralyzed in my decision-making. Probably because those were the most difficult years of my life. And when stress sets in, I tend to shut down, curl into a ball and burrow myself into something with the hope that if I'm still enough life will just pass me by and I won't be hurt too badly in the process.

During those dark years, I developed OCD. The smallest decision, such as which fork to eat with, which chocolate bar to buy, which shoes to wear, what shirt to put on, to walk by stepping with the left foot or the right first, etc etc etc became entrenched in ritual and terror. I didn't clean my room at one point for like 6 months because I was so afraid that if I moved something that would have some sort of bizarre and extreme butterfly effect that would cause my situation to get worse. My lovely best friend eventually came over and cleaned it with me. Sometimes I would set into hyperventilating panic attacks, and she would sit there saying "It's gonna be okay, we can put everything back where it was." Every movement was precarious and so so delicate.

Throughout that time I relied heavily on instinct to tell me the way when either I couldn't take being compliant anymore or I had real choice. And I relied on that, very very heavily. That's why I went to SFU. Why I fought so hard for that.

It was the reasoning out of things that caused me to will myself out of my OCD habits. It was very hard and I did it without any kind of coaching or instruction or assistance. It's mostly gone now. But sometimes, when I am feeling particularly anxious or nervous, I find it comes back. Not nearly as bad as it used to, but it still does. And I still have numbers that I prefer and don't prefer, but now I simply notice it and sort hope it doesn't matter and keep going rather than become stuck by it.

When I went to SFU, I was suddenly at a loss. Because I had nothing to struggle against. I didn't have to be afraid anymore. But that sudden loss of reasons to be on edge all the time just made me even more screwy and confused. So I mostly just hid out for those years. Which is such a shame and something I really wish I could change. But I was so busy picking up the pieces of my damaged teenage life that I didn't use those years to develop the skills I needed.

So by the time I got to law school and once again became depressed, co-dependant behaviours began to fully set in. I had been so conditioned to just do what people wanted me to that I just kept doing that. And when no one cared what I did, I did nothing.

My sense of instinct began to disappear, to become foggy, so I could no longer hear it. And rational decision making became a farse. I could find a way to argue the merits or lack thereof for any and all available options, so that every debate always ended up even. This lead to a lot of waffling in my life and the harming of various people who needed me to just make a decision. It also lead to me simply not taking risks or opportunities I now wish I had.

And the terror of being lost started to take over. I wanted answers. I wanted a plan. I wanted direction. But all I could think of was that I just didn't want to be depressed anymore. And how did I prevent that from getting worse. So I came back out to BC and tried to attach myself to things and people that had previously brought me happiness.

With those attachments came direction in the form of other peoples' wishes and desires for me, and I simply followed. Like a blind and retarded little sheep. My only will for myself was to not lose anyone or anything, to just maintain. The problems only started when the different wills of others collided and clashed. This would require decisions on my part. But I simply avoided that by trying to please everyone, routinely disappointing everyone, and destroying myself further in the process. The thing is, I don't want to go on like this. I simply can't.

So now I'm trying to take that blind and retarded sheep and I'm trying to say "learn how to walk your own path." This is proving to be rather difficult. It's proving to be extremely painful. Because the various dysfunctional people I surround myself with have become very accustomed to me doing as I'm told and have amazing ways of making me feel terrible, even unintentionally, when I resist. It may take me a very long time until I develop the decision-making skills I should have learned when I was 8.

I keep thinking about the Promises. My favourite is #8. It often chokes me up even when I'm feeling fine. I hope that one day, they come true. I have to perpetually remind myself that this is the point of all this aching:

1. I know a new sense of belonging. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.

2. I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity and dignity.

3. I know a new freedom.

4. I release myself from worry, guilt, and regret about my past and present. I am aware enough not to repeat it.

5. I know a new love and acceptance of myself and others. I feel genuinely lovable, loving and loved.

6. I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners.

7. I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy.

8. I learn that it is possible to mend - to become more loving, intimate and supportive. I have the choice of communicating with my family in a way which is safe for me and respectful of them.

9. I acknowledge that I am a unique and precious creation.

10. I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth.

11. I trust a guidance I receive from my higher power and come to believe in my own capabilities.

12. I gradually experience serenity, strength, and spiritual growth in my daily life.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Vancouver Fringe Festival Part 1 (updated)

The Vancouver Fringe Festival is so clearly Vancouver, in the total lack of community or excitement it engenders, even on Granville Island, the so-called hub of the fest. Everyone here is so jaded and so cool and so indifferent. I need to move.

Myself and one of the performers at the Edmonton Fringe, couldn't help but compare the two fests and on the score of atmosphere and community, Vancouver (not surprisingly) totally loses.

There is an upside though. And the upside is the high quality of the performances in Vancouver is superior to what I saw in Edmonton. I would say, of what I've seen, about half the performances were very good, whereas in Edmonton it was more like a third. But maybe that's just luck of the draw.

I have only seen 6 of the 21 shows I am considering. So I'm less than a third of the way through, although I highly doubt my ability to afford all 20.

The first show I saw was "The Honeymoon Period is Officially Over." This is an astonishing 1 woman show by Brit Gemma Wilcox. She is extremely impressive, playing like 20 characters, including fire, a hamster, cat, as well as some humans who are the centre of the story.

Essentially, it's the tale of a couple at two different and pivotal points in their relationship, 10 years apart in time, during which they intersect with a few other characters who give them advice and have their own problems. Part of what I found interesting is how we don't necessarily know that a moment is pivotal until later, because an ordinary day can turn into something extraordinary and it was these moments of deep truth found in the mundane and recognizable that I found so telling. One of the great features is that somehow Ms. Wilcox has developed the characters clearly behind the scenes so that none come across as one dimensional or without insight, which is highly impressive considering the circumstances. It's also very funny, despite often heartbreaking circumstances. But what is really impressive is the performance. That woman must need serious pre and post show naps.

The next show I saw was "1984". This was a disappointment. For 2 reasons:
1. I think it's a hard book to translate onto stage. The overwhelming sense of Big Brother's control and the sense of suffocation do not translate onto stage where there is limited time and space and ability to express that kind of all-encompassing repression. Similarly, the division between the various segments in society, notably Party and the proletariat, was vague and confusing.
2. The cast was between the ages of 13 and 18. So, it was like kids. Kids marching around in military uniforms. Kids talking about trying to remember a life before Big Brother. And the kissing bits, omigod, super awkward.
So, yeah. They did a good job with what they had, but the above two problems simply could not be overcome.
I suddenly realised how dumb I must have looked as a teenager putting on these serious plays.
What I did enjoy was some of those old Orwellian concepts and ideas that I had forgotten about, like how language creates and destroys meaning, and how control can be exercised by manipulation of words. It was also interesting to contrast the content of this show with the play about Orwell during the period in which he wrote"1984" that I saw in Edmonton.

The next show was "Twice the Same River." This show as described as "4 adulterers and a coroner travel to the underworld to find the true meaning of death, community, and identity. They lose their bodies and souls only to find each other's." This description is actually completely accurate in ways that are unimaginable until you see the show. You're thinking, this description is all metaphor, but then you'd be wrong. It's literal. The only error in the description is that they are only actually in the underworld for a very brief period of time. The majority of the play actually takes place in the coroner's lab?, but somehow in a reality that is quite different to that which I know. Because the last time I checked, I couldn't just gut someone only to have them come back to life unscathed because they quoted the wrong line from "Othello".

Plank says: "Twice the Same River is a comic existentialist romp that tackles the meaning of love, adultery, and identity. Four faithless lovers become entangled in a web of supernatural intrigue that leaves them profoundly confused about the nature of the self and the soul." The full review can be found here: http://www.plankmagazine.com/review/twice-same-river-comic-existentialist-romp

I actually really loved "Twice the Same River" even though it ultimately fell apart under the weight of its own madness. It was very dark, totally hilarious, perverted, somber, intelligent. Each of the characters spoke to me in a way. I found myself endeared to Allison's vision of community, that is not unlike my own little fantasies, and equally absurd. Benny's love of "Othello" and self-possessed humour was wicked and impressive. Guy's bravery and single-minded assuredness in all things was impressive, while his passion and honesty were inspiring. I liked Julie least, but identified with her pathetic insecurities and reactive reasoning.

Upon leaving the theatre, I found myself sensing two competing messages. On the one hand, the play seemed to imply that people make mistakes and can overcome them, not by penance but by changing and thus shedding those past sins which prompted the change through a sort of metamorphosis. On the other hand, it asserted that you can't build community on the back of betrayal, you can never undo the things you've done, and complete forgiveness isn't possible because you will always remember and those that were there will too, and thus will never fully trust you. Deep thoughts.

The next play I saw was "Tape." This show is the Stephen Belber play that Ethan Hawke turned into a movie in the1990's. It was performed in a hotel room at the Waldorf Hotel, so the audience consisted of only 18 people and the performance was extremely intimate. It's the story of three "friends" from high school who are getting together 10 years later. Vince and John were best friends in high school, Amy was Vince's girlfriend who slept with John. Fast forward a decade and Vince is in town to support John who's movie is being shown at a local film festival. Amy happens to live in the city where the film fest takes place and Vince calls her "for old times' sake." Various laughs and confrontations occur in Vince's hotel room, where he hopes to dig up some dirt and stir things up. He is disatisfied in his life and wants answers or vengence or something. They are all traumatized from shit that went down a decade prior and their various complicated relationships with each other. All trying to move on and yet tied to what happened before. It was excellent. Truly excellent. Funny and disturbing and honnest. These tangled webs and all of that.

What I found most confusing and then compelling was trying to decipher the motivations of these three characters. The events between them had, in some fundamental way, pushed and moulded them, causing them to ultimately become who they are in the present. How and why that happened is one issue. The converse question is why they chose to react to each others' presence in the manner they do in the present. There was a picture of a yellow rose in a frame in the room that said "Frienship is forever" that I kept looking at throughout the show. Big questions were asked in this play, about friendship and forgiveness and what we hold onto and why.

At this show I ran into Laura Harris, creator and performer of "Pitch Blond", which I saw at the Edmonton Fringe Festival. She was truly lovely and sweet. We had a nice little chat about the festival and festivals in general, her show, and this one. I feel bad for not offering her a ride, but I needed to get some stuff from the Gourmet Warehouse.

The next show was "The Cork Screw". I was really looking forward to this. I interpreted it as a remake of the "Casque of Amontillado", my fave Edgar Allan Poe story. It was nothing of the sort. Unfortunately. Instead of being a wicked and clever tale of revenge, it was an awkwardly produced story of two girlfriends, one of who has a history of stealing the other one's boyfriends because she's hotter. This is told in a series of stage splits and a big screen that was moved on and off the stage at various intervals. It was painfully awkward and ultimately pointless. Not just the staging (and I'm a fan of stage splitting when done well), but also the entire story. What was the big message? This one chick is a good friend who puts up with this bitch who treats her like shit and disrespect, but ultimately it's okay because she ended up with a nice man while the bitch got an asshole. Great. Thanks. Fully worth $11. Or not.

I was hoping to salvage the night by then going to see "The Lesson." This is a rather famous one act play by Eugene Ionesco. A description can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lesson To my great disapointment I found it boring and tedious. The version I saw was a gender swap, so the professor was played by a woman and the pupil by a man. Apparently this changes the power dynamics. I dunno. I was hoping for something interesting, maybe "Oleanna"-esque. In fact, it was a play about a professor trying to teach a guy math, so lots of frustration over addition and subtraction. When that fails, she starts going on about languages in a manner that makes absolutely no sense, while the student complains about toothaches, headaches, etc. The professor becomes increasingly irate and ultimately does bad things to the pupil.

Subsequently, I was talking to a friend of mine about this play. His friend directed it. He said Ionesco is very difficult to produce. I can totally understand that. The story entails someone, who is clearly insane, becoming frustrated to the point of murder because someone else is dumb. The majority of the script centres on "5 minus 4 is what?" and prolonged rants along the lines of "When a French man says to a Spaniard 'I am from France', he understands because 'France' is translated into 'Spain' in Spanish", and other nonsense. So it becomes very hard to put that onstage in a manner that is not tedious and exhausting. He said it was supposed to be weird and that the risk is that it will be boring. I said it was totally fucking boring to the point where I wondered if anyone would notice if I pulled out my book. To be fair, I have limited patience for plays who simply centre on frustration. It's such a base human emotion and so easily evoked. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a teacher, but I appreciate that trying to force someone who is dumb to learn must indeed be very frustrating. Conversely, I also appreciate that trying to get someone who is talking incessantly to listen is also frustrating. I'm told that this is a play about a power dynamic. I suppose, with a lot of imagination, it could be. The professor starts out "I'm at your service, blah blah", but the pupil doesn't accept the power granted, and it quickly turns into the professor simply lecturing endlessly about drivel. Why does anyone think this makes for good entertainment?

That being said, I don't think the production in any way helped itself. All of the players appeared to simultaneously over-act, in ways that were farcicle but not comical, while also under-performing the truer aspects of the roles. The effect was simply stupid. The maid, whom I assume was supposed to provide comic relief was just dumb. The pupil was utterly unrealistic. The professor was the only one who provided a good performance, except that her decent into total madness and murder was too sudden to be almost out of character. Whatever, not my cup of tea.

So that's where I'm at in the festival. I have a fun week planned. I've discovered that seeing plays is good, but seeing plays with friends is better. That said, these shows have given me a lot to think about, not that I don't already have a lot to think about. Sometimes, it's creepy actually, the relationship between what I've seen and where I'm at. But then maybe that's the way I've selected my picks.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Shake Your Head, It's Empty

I've never made any decision based on what would make me happy. Never because it's just what I want to do.

Everything I've done in my life has been for some other purpose. It's been to survive. Or as a necessity to achieve something else. Or to prevent something else. But never the thing for itself. And certainly never just because I wanted to.

Perhaps this is why I make decisions that ultimately leave me unhappy. Because happiness was never the goal, and I maybe just thought it would have by accident along the way. And perhaps this is why I've never really been happy.

And why I am so totally defective at making decisions. Because it's always like this. It's always some long, prolonged wavering. I chose one thing, decide that's wrong, change my mind and try the other. Back and forth, back and forth. Always doubting, never sure. Eye over my shoulder at what was left behind, wondering if maybe that was the better option.

And I'm sick of it. I'm tired of indecision. Of confusion. Of just holding everyone else hostage until I stop somewhere.

There is one very large exception to all of this. And that exception was the decision to go to SFU. But even then, it was what I wanted before I even knew anything about the school or the programs. Maybe it was what I wanted because it was far away from what I didn't want. I dunno. I dunno.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

A sneaky kind of selfish

Everything has a price
Cause nothing's free
And I always
See myself the banker
And you a thief

She's all gray skies
This morning
And well
Ain't that fitting?

I'm trying to follow the words
As they line the page
But my eyes keep
Wandering off side
And wondering
About the dinner deals
At Wild Bill's saloon
In a town not quite Lake Louise

So I string myself
Up on that cross
Like Jesus in his
Passion play pose
Waiting for the applause
Or redemption
So good at my job
And all that sunny sacrificing

Everything has a purpose
All choices made
With the expectation
Of achieving some goal
But it's all empty ambition

Nothing accomplished
Reason I can't make
At a loss to explain
Why I do these things

And the good book
Just calls it a symptom
Of this disease
But that answer is dissatisfying

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

In the fog

In the fog
I dreamed of my dead son
And awoke with a heavy heart
My subconscious is such a bitch
Always betraying me
And conjuring up
Those I've lost
So that I know
That I've mislaid them

And I tried
To just forget
And sing along to Mangan
As I rode in the car
On my way to work
But then I passed a mother
And her boy
Riding bikes in tandem
Using all the right
Hand signals

And I smiled
And I cried
Realizing that we can't undo
The things we've done
We can only strive
To do better next time