Iron your carefully crafted disguise
Me and choices have a troubled history together.
I always thought that the greatest feature of my less than stellar childhood was its variety. No one was around often enough or long enough to create any sense of stability. And being inquisitive and a kid, I naturally asked a lot of questions of a lot of people. The end result being the realization that most people have different views on most things. This created the sense in me that most things are subjective, most opinions are simply one's own, that there is no such thing as objective truth or absolute right and wrong. If you don't like what someone says, don't worry about it, it's just their opinion and if you ask someone else, they will likely say something different about it. This made me naturally critical of all information and assertions, and also curious to challenge all beliefs. And that skill set has served me well over the years.
But what I always loved about it was the fact that I never had a set of beliefs or understandings or answers handed down to me. A lot of people I've met believe in god, or marriage, or homophobia, or a specific religion or political party because that's what their parents believed and that's what they were taught was right. I was never taught that anything was "right" per se. I was only taught that person x has opinion y, and person a has opinion b, and so on. So basically everything I think and believe I had to figure out for myself. For a long time I thought that was great. Here I am a big free thinker, unencumbered by the belief systems of others telling me what to think and what to do.
But there's the rub. Because not having guidance or direction in what to do or what is right, I was sent out into the world without the proper tool kit for making decisions. I always dealt with this in one of three ways:
1. The path of least resistance: What will make other people happy and make life less difficult for me in the process. This worked really well when I was in an abusive household and the options were play along or get thrown down the stairs.
2. Instinct: What does my gut tell me? This could also be interpreted as decision making based on what I really want.
3. Reason it out: What makes sense to believe or to do? Challenge that assumption, and see if it still works out. If not, change it and repeat the process until you find something that works.
Between the years of 13 - 18, I became totally paralyzed in my decision-making. Probably because those were the most difficult years of my life. And when stress sets in, I tend to shut down, curl into a ball and burrow myself into something with the hope that if I'm still enough life will just pass me by and I won't be hurt too badly in the process.
During those dark years, I developed OCD. The smallest decision, such as which fork to eat with, which chocolate bar to buy, which shoes to wear, what shirt to put on, to walk by stepping with the left foot or the right first, etc etc etc became entrenched in ritual and terror. I didn't clean my room at one point for like 6 months because I was so afraid that if I moved something that would have some sort of bizarre and extreme butterfly effect that would cause my situation to get worse. My lovely best friend eventually came over and cleaned it with me. Sometimes I would set into hyperventilating panic attacks, and she would sit there saying "It's gonna be okay, we can put everything back where it was." Every movement was precarious and so so delicate.
Throughout that time I relied heavily on instinct to tell me the way when either I couldn't take being compliant anymore or I had real choice. And I relied on that, very very heavily. That's why I went to SFU. Why I fought so hard for that.
It was the reasoning out of things that caused me to will myself out of my OCD habits. It was very hard and I did it without any kind of coaching or instruction or assistance. It's mostly gone now. But sometimes, when I am feeling particularly anxious or nervous, I find it comes back. Not nearly as bad as it used to, but it still does. And I still have numbers that I prefer and don't prefer, but now I simply notice it and sort hope it doesn't matter and keep going rather than become stuck by it.
When I went to SFU, I was suddenly at a loss. Because I had nothing to struggle against. I didn't have to be afraid anymore. But that sudden loss of reasons to be on edge all the time just made me even more screwy and confused. So I mostly just hid out for those years. Which is such a shame and something I really wish I could change. But I was so busy picking up the pieces of my damaged teenage life that I didn't use those years to develop the skills I needed.
So by the time I got to law school and once again became depressed, co-dependant behaviours began to fully set in. I had been so conditioned to just do what people wanted me to that I just kept doing that. And when no one cared what I did, I did nothing.
My sense of instinct began to disappear, to become foggy, so I could no longer hear it. And rational decision making became a farse. I could find a way to argue the merits or lack thereof for any and all available options, so that every debate always ended up even. This lead to a lot of waffling in my life and the harming of various people who needed me to just make a decision. It also lead to me simply not taking risks or opportunities I now wish I had.
And the terror of being lost started to take over. I wanted answers. I wanted a plan. I wanted direction. But all I could think of was that I just didn't want to be depressed anymore. And how did I prevent that from getting worse. So I came back out to BC and tried to attach myself to things and people that had previously brought me happiness.
With those attachments came direction in the form of other peoples' wishes and desires for me, and I simply followed. Like a blind and retarded little sheep. My only will for myself was to not lose anyone or anything, to just maintain. The problems only started when the different wills of others collided and clashed. This would require decisions on my part. But I simply avoided that by trying to please everyone, routinely disappointing everyone, and destroying myself further in the process. The thing is, I don't want to go on like this. I simply can't.
So now I'm trying to take that blind and retarded sheep and I'm trying to say "learn how to walk your own path." This is proving to be rather difficult. It's proving to be extremely painful. Because the various dysfunctional people I surround myself with have become very accustomed to me doing as I'm told and have amazing ways of making me feel terrible, even unintentionally, when I resist. It may take me a very long time until I develop the decision-making skills I should have learned when I was 8.
I keep thinking about the Promises. My favourite is #8. It often chokes me up even when I'm feeling fine. I hope that one day, they come true. I have to perpetually remind myself that this is the point of all this aching:
1. I know a new sense of belonging. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.
2. I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity and dignity.
3. I know a new freedom.
4. I release myself from worry, guilt, and regret about my past and present. I am aware enough not to repeat it.
5. I know a new love and acceptance of myself and others. I feel genuinely lovable, loving and loved.
6. I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners.
7. I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy.
8. I learn that it is possible to mend - to become more loving, intimate and supportive. I have the choice of communicating with my family in a way which is safe for me and respectful of them.
9. I acknowledge that I am a unique and precious creation.
10. I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth.
11. I trust a guidance I receive from my higher power and come to believe in my own capabilities.
12. I gradually experience serenity, strength, and spiritual growth in my daily life.
I always thought that the greatest feature of my less than stellar childhood was its variety. No one was around often enough or long enough to create any sense of stability. And being inquisitive and a kid, I naturally asked a lot of questions of a lot of people. The end result being the realization that most people have different views on most things. This created the sense in me that most things are subjective, most opinions are simply one's own, that there is no such thing as objective truth or absolute right and wrong. If you don't like what someone says, don't worry about it, it's just their opinion and if you ask someone else, they will likely say something different about it. This made me naturally critical of all information and assertions, and also curious to challenge all beliefs. And that skill set has served me well over the years.
But what I always loved about it was the fact that I never had a set of beliefs or understandings or answers handed down to me. A lot of people I've met believe in god, or marriage, or homophobia, or a specific religion or political party because that's what their parents believed and that's what they were taught was right. I was never taught that anything was "right" per se. I was only taught that person x has opinion y, and person a has opinion b, and so on. So basically everything I think and believe I had to figure out for myself. For a long time I thought that was great. Here I am a big free thinker, unencumbered by the belief systems of others telling me what to think and what to do.
But there's the rub. Because not having guidance or direction in what to do or what is right, I was sent out into the world without the proper tool kit for making decisions. I always dealt with this in one of three ways:
1. The path of least resistance: What will make other people happy and make life less difficult for me in the process. This worked really well when I was in an abusive household and the options were play along or get thrown down the stairs.
2. Instinct: What does my gut tell me? This could also be interpreted as decision making based on what I really want.
3. Reason it out: What makes sense to believe or to do? Challenge that assumption, and see if it still works out. If not, change it and repeat the process until you find something that works.
Between the years of 13 - 18, I became totally paralyzed in my decision-making. Probably because those were the most difficult years of my life. And when stress sets in, I tend to shut down, curl into a ball and burrow myself into something with the hope that if I'm still enough life will just pass me by and I won't be hurt too badly in the process.
During those dark years, I developed OCD. The smallest decision, such as which fork to eat with, which chocolate bar to buy, which shoes to wear, what shirt to put on, to walk by stepping with the left foot or the right first, etc etc etc became entrenched in ritual and terror. I didn't clean my room at one point for like 6 months because I was so afraid that if I moved something that would have some sort of bizarre and extreme butterfly effect that would cause my situation to get worse. My lovely best friend eventually came over and cleaned it with me. Sometimes I would set into hyperventilating panic attacks, and she would sit there saying "It's gonna be okay, we can put everything back where it was." Every movement was precarious and so so delicate.
Throughout that time I relied heavily on instinct to tell me the way when either I couldn't take being compliant anymore or I had real choice. And I relied on that, very very heavily. That's why I went to SFU. Why I fought so hard for that.
It was the reasoning out of things that caused me to will myself out of my OCD habits. It was very hard and I did it without any kind of coaching or instruction or assistance. It's mostly gone now. But sometimes, when I am feeling particularly anxious or nervous, I find it comes back. Not nearly as bad as it used to, but it still does. And I still have numbers that I prefer and don't prefer, but now I simply notice it and sort hope it doesn't matter and keep going rather than become stuck by it.
When I went to SFU, I was suddenly at a loss. Because I had nothing to struggle against. I didn't have to be afraid anymore. But that sudden loss of reasons to be on edge all the time just made me even more screwy and confused. So I mostly just hid out for those years. Which is such a shame and something I really wish I could change. But I was so busy picking up the pieces of my damaged teenage life that I didn't use those years to develop the skills I needed.
So by the time I got to law school and once again became depressed, co-dependant behaviours began to fully set in. I had been so conditioned to just do what people wanted me to that I just kept doing that. And when no one cared what I did, I did nothing.
My sense of instinct began to disappear, to become foggy, so I could no longer hear it. And rational decision making became a farse. I could find a way to argue the merits or lack thereof for any and all available options, so that every debate always ended up even. This lead to a lot of waffling in my life and the harming of various people who needed me to just make a decision. It also lead to me simply not taking risks or opportunities I now wish I had.
And the terror of being lost started to take over. I wanted answers. I wanted a plan. I wanted direction. But all I could think of was that I just didn't want to be depressed anymore. And how did I prevent that from getting worse. So I came back out to BC and tried to attach myself to things and people that had previously brought me happiness.
With those attachments came direction in the form of other peoples' wishes and desires for me, and I simply followed. Like a blind and retarded little sheep. My only will for myself was to not lose anyone or anything, to just maintain. The problems only started when the different wills of others collided and clashed. This would require decisions on my part. But I simply avoided that by trying to please everyone, routinely disappointing everyone, and destroying myself further in the process. The thing is, I don't want to go on like this. I simply can't.
So now I'm trying to take that blind and retarded sheep and I'm trying to say "learn how to walk your own path." This is proving to be rather difficult. It's proving to be extremely painful. Because the various dysfunctional people I surround myself with have become very accustomed to me doing as I'm told and have amazing ways of making me feel terrible, even unintentionally, when I resist. It may take me a very long time until I develop the decision-making skills I should have learned when I was 8.
I keep thinking about the Promises. My favourite is #8. It often chokes me up even when I'm feeling fine. I hope that one day, they come true. I have to perpetually remind myself that this is the point of all this aching:
1. I know a new sense of belonging. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.
2. I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity and dignity.
3. I know a new freedom.
4. I release myself from worry, guilt, and regret about my past and present. I am aware enough not to repeat it.
5. I know a new love and acceptance of myself and others. I feel genuinely lovable, loving and loved.
6. I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners.
7. I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy.
8. I learn that it is possible to mend - to become more loving, intimate and supportive. I have the choice of communicating with my family in a way which is safe for me and respectful of them.
9. I acknowledge that I am a unique and precious creation.
10. I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth.
11. I trust a guidance I receive from my higher power and come to believe in my own capabilities.
12. I gradually experience serenity, strength, and spiritual growth in my daily life.
posted by venbot | 12:27 p.m.
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