Competiion
Competition isn't something I'm incredibly familiar with.
Sure, we are all surrounded by competition every day, the rat race, blah blah blah.
But I've never been one of those people. I don't compete. Despite my black little heart, I also beat red. Commie red. I've always been a "can't we just all grow organic produce and help each other out?" kind of girl. Generally, I gracefully bow out of any sort of competition, be it over a person or a thing. Because winning and losing just isn't good for the soul. It's all about how you play the game folks, it's the process not the outcome, it was an honour just to be nominated, blah blah blah. I actually believe, like genuinely, in that shit.
You may be asking yourself right about now, why I have chosen a profession that is entirely based on competition, on winning and losing, if I don't believe in it? That's a good question. I don't have an answer for you. Although I will say that I generally try to practice in a way that is totally cooperative and helpful unless the opposing side is being a douche or not doing their job, in which case I will give them a hard time. But I don't enjoy it. Unless you are on my hit list, then I look for reasons and ways to piss you off just for fun("I'm sorry, who are you? Kent what? On what file?")
In any event, we are getting side tracked here. The point I wish to make is that I am not and have never been comfortable in competition. I actually hate it, because I believe that while the better performance may result, competition doesn't do good things for you as a person. Thus, I often fold my decent poker hand rather than risk anything on possibly winning, unless it's a sure thing. Which is maybe a control issue, but that's for another day.
Which brings me to my current state of crisis: If I'm so anti-competition, so disinterested in victory and loss, then why do I find myself so crippled and enraged these days by the sense that I am losing every battle?
Because, I will be frank with you, I am livid and distraught and broken-hearted over these apparent losses. The weird thing is: they actually have NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. That's what I can't get my annoying mind around. I have all of these feelings and the thoughts associated with them seem genuinely insane and illogical to me. So I am one very confused humanoid at the moment.
Some examples:
Ex. 1) a particular individual who I despise and who I am convinced is mentally unstable and who all concerned generally consider to be my nemesis at my work place is being promoted. Now, logically, I should not care about this. I should think "that's a mistake, but not my problem." But I don't. I'm fuming because somehow his becoming a partner of my firm feels like some huge loss for me. I can make some sense of this: blah blah they knew I hate him, they made him partner anyway, they must love him more than me, blah blah. But that's crazy talk. And I can't tell anyone that that feeling is why I threw a fit in the elevator in front of a large group of people including him and another soon to be partner and oh yeah, a client! No. So because I am quasi-smart I have set my brain the task of performing mental gymnastics to justify my upset and ensuing behaviour. I have to give my brain credit, it came up with some good, convincing shit and I have actually managed to persuade a number of intelligent people that this is what's going on. But it's not. What's actually going on is that somehow, somewhere, there is a game in play and I am losing and I am pissed and all crying in my office because of it. What this game is, who the players are, what the rules are, I have no idea. But I know beyond a doubt that I am losing something. Stupid, right?
Ex. 2) Anyone I may have been involved with in the last decade in any way dating, loving, marrying, babying with someone on the planet other than me. There is a phenomenon known as the post-breakup competition. I am vaguely aware that this could be what's going on. And in some cases, it is. But in most cases, it's not that. I should point out here that ex 2 is actually examples 2, 3, 4, and 5. But nevertheless, what is generally going on is this crippling sense of being left behind. It's not about being superior, it's about being 7 years old on the racetrack on fucking activity day unknowingly drunk because your step-dad is a retard and accidentally gave you booze in your lunch box instead of juice and all the other kids are whizzing past and you can sense that your team is watching you confused, all like 7 year old wtf because you can't run and have stomach cramps and feel like you're going to barf and everything is really difficult and dizzying, and you wish you could rush right along and hand over that 20 lbs weight in your hand known as the baton to the next waiting kid, but you can't. See that? true story. And I feel exactly the same as I did then. Incapable, paralyzed, disoriented, terrified, unable to walk a straight line or recite the alphabet backwards, and just watching all of fucking life passing me by.
Ex. 3/6) The vast majority of the people I work with and am close to are leaving my office in the next few months. They all have these exciting plans about their careers and their futures. And I don't. I had turned my mind to this particular issue several months back and had concluded that I would stay put, lean heavily on what was the only stable part of my life, and be grateful for all of their unbelievable generosity and understanding over the last, now almost, 2 years. I would reconsider my options in 18 - 24 months. But my bubble seriously burst a few weeks ago. And now the girl-who-does-not-make-decisions is being forced to make very substantial fucking decisions on an ever so lovely 12 day deadline. (Thanks dearest managing partner!) I don't share in the excitement and revelry of those around me. Nor do I share in the well-wishes. I love them all, but I don't wish them well. I wish them to turn to porcelain statues a la Magenta machine in "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" to suit my current need for stability. Which is selfish. But there you have it. So once again, everyone is moving forward: either on to other things or onto a new era of my current place of employ. Everyone is excited, except me. I am full of dread. Because I am not ready to make any other major life decisions right now such as where do I want to work, who do I want to work with, what area of law do I want to practice in, what subset of said area do I want to practice in, what environment do I want to practice in, do I want to work independently or as part of a team, how much money do I want, how many hours am I willing to put in? Right now, I feel like a bag of garbage begrudgingly dragged to the curb. I feel like my 5 year old self begging my dad to stay home with me instead of going to the Copa to pick up chicks, again.
Ex. 4/7) Everyone on the planet's wish for me to fucking Internet date. Go away. Seriously, go away. I'm so thrilled for all of you and your various success stories and the various needs that have been fulfilled via this medium. But fuck you. My boundless misery and solitude and low self-esteem are what's on the menu, period. I don't want to hear about your war stories or love stories or know about it or whatever. And I don't enjoy being pushed and goaded into things that I am grossly uncomfortable with. It's fine. Really. But thanks for the fucking pity, ahem, sorry, encouragement, riiiiiiiiight.
Ex. 5/8) The baby/wedding factory that is everyone I seem to know. Sitting in a room full of people talking about something that I have only faint recollections of, or no experience of, or that my life is in the process of destroying any prospect of is not a fun experience. It's just not. It's shitty. And it makes me feel like I've regressed into some alternate dimension for the unfortunate. Oh and there it is again, the left behind. Because I can't relate to your buoyant exuberance for where your life is going. I'm lost in a fucking asteroid field of space without the fine piloting skills of Han Solo or Chewbacca.
Ex. 6/9) The best friend phenomenon. Everyone seems to have one but me. I keep losing mine. Somehow I think that this is not my fault, but it probably is, at least in part. I moved away, I became overly interested in boys, I developed standards, I slept with people I shouldn't have slept with, shit happened. I dunno. I feel like I'm missing out on an integral part of the human experience and I'm deeply envious of all those people who have that connection in their lives.
I could honestly spend all night talking about why I feel like shit. We could entertain ourselves my delving into families and money and success and purpose and just about any and all aspects of human existence. Feeling like shit is not particularly new. What's new is that I am angry about this shit. I am angry at individuals who may or may not deserve my wrath. It seems like everyone else is moving forward, planning a future, having adventures, is not totally broke, is not totally alone, is not totally scare shitless. And maybe that's a warped perspective from too many nights without sufficient sleep. Maybe it's totally accurate like Fox News. I don't know. I just know that my desire to reach into the chests of those around me and rip out their beating hearts and squeeze till you shatter like Marianne on "True Blood" is quite strong right now and if I do say so myself, quite unbecoming in me. I wish to make sense of these feelings so that they may go away like a cold snap in November that doesn't belong.
Someone who is sometimes smart told me some months ago that I have this brain block. This idea that there is only so much love to go around and that if someone else gains I lose. Let's be fair and say that unfortunately that is the general model of the world. Life as a see-saw. That's fucking economics and geopolitics and unfair band competitions. I think his point is that it's not as simple as that when it comes to the varied nuances of human emotion or experience. That it isn't the marketplace I was taught it was. That it's more like the universe: expansive and never-ending. But if that's the case, then why do I feel so bad? Why does it feel so real? Maybe the answer to that is the answer to most things: my little black heart pumps acid to my brain. In other words, I am just creating misery in myself. Awesome.
I have court in 6.25 hours. I should go to sleep.
Sure, we are all surrounded by competition every day, the rat race, blah blah blah.
But I've never been one of those people. I don't compete. Despite my black little heart, I also beat red. Commie red. I've always been a "can't we just all grow organic produce and help each other out?" kind of girl. Generally, I gracefully bow out of any sort of competition, be it over a person or a thing. Because winning and losing just isn't good for the soul. It's all about how you play the game folks, it's the process not the outcome, it was an honour just to be nominated, blah blah blah. I actually believe, like genuinely, in that shit.
You may be asking yourself right about now, why I have chosen a profession that is entirely based on competition, on winning and losing, if I don't believe in it? That's a good question. I don't have an answer for you. Although I will say that I generally try to practice in a way that is totally cooperative and helpful unless the opposing side is being a douche or not doing their job, in which case I will give them a hard time. But I don't enjoy it. Unless you are on my hit list, then I look for reasons and ways to piss you off just for fun("I'm sorry, who are you? Kent what? On what file?")
In any event, we are getting side tracked here. The point I wish to make is that I am not and have never been comfortable in competition. I actually hate it, because I believe that while the better performance may result, competition doesn't do good things for you as a person. Thus, I often fold my decent poker hand rather than risk anything on possibly winning, unless it's a sure thing. Which is maybe a control issue, but that's for another day.
Which brings me to my current state of crisis: If I'm so anti-competition, so disinterested in victory and loss, then why do I find myself so crippled and enraged these days by the sense that I am losing every battle?
Because, I will be frank with you, I am livid and distraught and broken-hearted over these apparent losses. The weird thing is: they actually have NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. That's what I can't get my annoying mind around. I have all of these feelings and the thoughts associated with them seem genuinely insane and illogical to me. So I am one very confused humanoid at the moment.
Some examples:
Ex. 1) a particular individual who I despise and who I am convinced is mentally unstable and who all concerned generally consider to be my nemesis at my work place is being promoted. Now, logically, I should not care about this. I should think "that's a mistake, but not my problem." But I don't. I'm fuming because somehow his becoming a partner of my firm feels like some huge loss for me. I can make some sense of this: blah blah they knew I hate him, they made him partner anyway, they must love him more than me, blah blah. But that's crazy talk. And I can't tell anyone that that feeling is why I threw a fit in the elevator in front of a large group of people including him and another soon to be partner and oh yeah, a client! No. So because I am quasi-smart I have set my brain the task of performing mental gymnastics to justify my upset and ensuing behaviour. I have to give my brain credit, it came up with some good, convincing shit and I have actually managed to persuade a number of intelligent people that this is what's going on. But it's not. What's actually going on is that somehow, somewhere, there is a game in play and I am losing and I am pissed and all crying in my office because of it. What this game is, who the players are, what the rules are, I have no idea. But I know beyond a doubt that I am losing something. Stupid, right?
Ex. 2) Anyone I may have been involved with in the last decade in any way dating, loving, marrying, babying with someone on the planet other than me. There is a phenomenon known as the post-breakup competition. I am vaguely aware that this could be what's going on. And in some cases, it is. But in most cases, it's not that. I should point out here that ex 2 is actually examples 2, 3, 4, and 5. But nevertheless, what is generally going on is this crippling sense of being left behind. It's not about being superior, it's about being 7 years old on the racetrack on fucking activity day unknowingly drunk because your step-dad is a retard and accidentally gave you booze in your lunch box instead of juice and all the other kids are whizzing past and you can sense that your team is watching you confused, all like 7 year old wtf because you can't run and have stomach cramps and feel like you're going to barf and everything is really difficult and dizzying, and you wish you could rush right along and hand over that 20 lbs weight in your hand known as the baton to the next waiting kid, but you can't. See that? true story. And I feel exactly the same as I did then. Incapable, paralyzed, disoriented, terrified, unable to walk a straight line or recite the alphabet backwards, and just watching all of fucking life passing me by.
Ex. 3/6) The vast majority of the people I work with and am close to are leaving my office in the next few months. They all have these exciting plans about their careers and their futures. And I don't. I had turned my mind to this particular issue several months back and had concluded that I would stay put, lean heavily on what was the only stable part of my life, and be grateful for all of their unbelievable generosity and understanding over the last, now almost, 2 years. I would reconsider my options in 18 - 24 months. But my bubble seriously burst a few weeks ago. And now the girl-who-does-not-make-decisions is being forced to make very substantial fucking decisions on an ever so lovely 12 day deadline. (Thanks dearest managing partner!) I don't share in the excitement and revelry of those around me. Nor do I share in the well-wishes. I love them all, but I don't wish them well. I wish them to turn to porcelain statues a la Magenta machine in "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" to suit my current need for stability. Which is selfish. But there you have it. So once again, everyone is moving forward: either on to other things or onto a new era of my current place of employ. Everyone is excited, except me. I am full of dread. Because I am not ready to make any other major life decisions right now such as where do I want to work, who do I want to work with, what area of law do I want to practice in, what subset of said area do I want to practice in, what environment do I want to practice in, do I want to work independently or as part of a team, how much money do I want, how many hours am I willing to put in? Right now, I feel like a bag of garbage begrudgingly dragged to the curb. I feel like my 5 year old self begging my dad to stay home with me instead of going to the Copa to pick up chicks, again.
Ex. 4/7) Everyone on the planet's wish for me to fucking Internet date. Go away. Seriously, go away. I'm so thrilled for all of you and your various success stories and the various needs that have been fulfilled via this medium. But fuck you. My boundless misery and solitude and low self-esteem are what's on the menu, period. I don't want to hear about your war stories or love stories or know about it or whatever. And I don't enjoy being pushed and goaded into things that I am grossly uncomfortable with. It's fine. Really. But thanks for the fucking pity, ahem, sorry, encouragement, riiiiiiiiight.
Ex. 5/8) The baby/wedding factory that is everyone I seem to know. Sitting in a room full of people talking about something that I have only faint recollections of, or no experience of, or that my life is in the process of destroying any prospect of is not a fun experience. It's just not. It's shitty. And it makes me feel like I've regressed into some alternate dimension for the unfortunate. Oh and there it is again, the left behind. Because I can't relate to your buoyant exuberance for where your life is going. I'm lost in a fucking asteroid field of space without the fine piloting skills of Han Solo or Chewbacca.
Ex. 6/9) The best friend phenomenon. Everyone seems to have one but me. I keep losing mine. Somehow I think that this is not my fault, but it probably is, at least in part. I moved away, I became overly interested in boys, I developed standards, I slept with people I shouldn't have slept with, shit happened. I dunno. I feel like I'm missing out on an integral part of the human experience and I'm deeply envious of all those people who have that connection in their lives.
I could honestly spend all night talking about why I feel like shit. We could entertain ourselves my delving into families and money and success and purpose and just about any and all aspects of human existence. Feeling like shit is not particularly new. What's new is that I am angry about this shit. I am angry at individuals who may or may not deserve my wrath. It seems like everyone else is moving forward, planning a future, having adventures, is not totally broke, is not totally alone, is not totally scare shitless. And maybe that's a warped perspective from too many nights without sufficient sleep. Maybe it's totally accurate like Fox News. I don't know. I just know that my desire to reach into the chests of those around me and rip out their beating hearts and squeeze till you shatter like Marianne on "True Blood" is quite strong right now and if I do say so myself, quite unbecoming in me. I wish to make sense of these feelings so that they may go away like a cold snap in November that doesn't belong.
Someone who is sometimes smart told me some months ago that I have this brain block. This idea that there is only so much love to go around and that if someone else gains I lose. Let's be fair and say that unfortunately that is the general model of the world. Life as a see-saw. That's fucking economics and geopolitics and unfair band competitions. I think his point is that it's not as simple as that when it comes to the varied nuances of human emotion or experience. That it isn't the marketplace I was taught it was. That it's more like the universe: expansive and never-ending. But if that's the case, then why do I feel so bad? Why does it feel so real? Maybe the answer to that is the answer to most things: my little black heart pumps acid to my brain. In other words, I am just creating misery in myself. Awesome.
I have court in 6.25 hours. I should go to sleep.
posted by venbot | 2:10 a.m.
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